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arjumand

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arjumand last won the day on February 11 2020

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About arjumand

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  1. Here’s what you have to realize — guilt tripping is not ACTUAL guilt. It is others controlling you and you deciding that their thoughts and feelings are more important than your own. Granted, this has been the main factor in your upbringing and relationship, but you have to make the decision that you are only responsible for yourself and your actions. Consequently, if you go out and steal something, that is something that saddles you with actual guilt — you did something you and all of society knows is wrong and you chose to do it. With your family, they make up rules — which change c
  2. Also, please do not delete any emails or texts or other evidence you have how controlling and abusive he is. You may need that at some point. PLEASE talk to an attorney. ASAP. And get this guy out of your and your child's lives.
  3. Wow, I would have dumped you immediately if I had found out that you had raised a child for three years and then abandoned him because he wasn’t yours biologically. At that point, biology was irrelevant and he was already yours. I cannot imagine dating someone who is so limited and unkind that she would want you to screw up such an important and loving relationship.
  4. You are deluding yourself completely about his wife. Especially as you categorized her as “older” than he is. Three years means they are essentially the same age. I can tell you my mother was very much raring’ to go at that age. And she had been married for fifty years at that point.
  5. I am very sorry about your father. I really think you need a new therapist. You need someone who can really help you work through your self esteem issues and figure out who you really are and what is right for you in life. This one seems kind of useless.
  6. Talk to a women's shelter and get advice on attorney who specialize in abusive marriages. They can also help you with an exit plan. He is not the first abusive man to get divorced with kids. You understand that by staying you are participating in allowing them to be abused and to them witnessing his abuse of you? You are setting them up for a dangerous and unpleasant future, not just as children, but as the adults they will become. You need help -- reach out to a shelter and domestic violence groups. If you don't know where to start, start with The National Domestic Violence hotline: htt
  7. Why does anyone need to believe you? You seem to think you must win in the court of public opinion in order to get a divorce. You are an adult. If you decide to end your marriage it is No one’s business why. People get divorced for many reasons and no one knows what goes on in anyone else’s marriage. You leave, you take care of yourself and your children. Any evidence you have of abuse you put in a safe place — like a lawyer’s hands — and you file. You put yourself and your children first, the rest will eventually fall into place.
  8. You have talked to him, repeatedly, he has done nothing because you have made that very easy for him. You cook, clean, and support him, why would he change? He has clearly shown you that he is lazy, irresponsible and doesn't really care about how you feel or how hard you work. So how should you talk to him? Tell him to get out and get a roommate while you figure out why you are willing to put so much effort into a relationship that offers you very little, if anything, in return. And don't get into another relationship until you have that worked through.
  9. You are giving him all the power — letting him figure out what he feels about you and what he wants to do, all while he says he doesn’t enjoy being with you and isn’t sure, blah, blah, blah. And you always eager for anything he wants to give. Take back your power, quit putting any energy into him and put it into yourself. You do not spend years working on a relationship with someone who isn’t thrilled to be with you, no matter what. Work on your going home plan, your health, work and leave at the first possible moment. Don’t share, don’t support, don’t cook or clean or anything for him and jus
  10. How have you betrayed? You seem to be under the impression that if he makes ANY effort like not gambling regularly or not getting drunk on a regular basis, then you are obligated to be with him. That is not the case. It seems that your relationship simply does not work -- you can't live together and you are unhappy when you are with him. That is completely fine and you should end this relationship instead of continuing to torture yourself with something you don't want. And BTW, if you want to actually move on and find someone with whom you are better suited, please stop communication of all ki
  11. My husband was in the same position -- he was the scapegoat for all problems and the family apparently shared one brain. He got a little therapy and learned to put down boundaries and guess what? He no longer cares what they think and what they say. Furthermore, they are all terrified of him because he will not take their garbage and is happy to tell them so in no uncertain terms. My MIL learned from this, does not cross boundaries and has a good relationship with our daughter. He and his sister still don't have much of a relationship -- but they never really did -- but our children all are i
  12. First of all, this is your husband's family, he handles them, not you. Second, words like "I don't think" are too wishy washy. Your husband needs to say to his father that the two of you are not going, period. He does not need to explain himself, he just needs to make it clear. Further, when your FIL starts harping on this tell him you understand his concern, but you no longer wish to discuss this. If he pushes it, you leave the room.
  13. I agree that A is a much better opportunity, but I am curious about the commute. I assume you have people back in NZ to live with, but if you have a good salary you can always move closer to your job if you decide to stay for a while.
  14. Following up on Bolt's post, abusers use couples therapy to continue their abuse. You absolutely should not attend couple's therapy with him. Also, him making the least amount of effort only after you left does not mean that he deserves another chance. He has been miserable to live with for 8 years and YOU should be working on the relationship? I agree that you need individual therapy to figure out your own life, so take care of that, long term, before you start even thinking about working on this relationship.
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