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bluecastle last won the day on January 13

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  1. Lost! Just want to belatedly join the chorus in saying congrats, congrats, congrats. These transitional moments in life are often when we get to taste some new and richer flavors, or so I've found. In terms of your questions? I come at this from a curious angle, in that my professional life is pretty unorthodox. Long stretches without work, lots of time roaming the house in a robe, to the point where an alien observer might think I've been retired for a while. As much as I want to talk here about routine—I have one, or ones, and am always carving out little micro routines to
  2. Sorry you're navigating some spins. For what it's worth? I've kind of come to think of "imposter syndrome" as a synonym for "adulthood." The great secret we never quite understand as children, after all, is that all those adults around us—our parents, their friends, famous people on television, rocket scientists, Picasso, Homer, and so on—were just waking up every day trying to figure it all out. Some days the sense of stability and confidence were genuine, others more illusory, sand through fingers. The human condition, in short. So, who knows? Perhaps if you can just think of thi
  3. I agree with this read, potentially. Another read, and one that's floated into my mind, goes like this: Most everyone walks around with some unprocessed shame, some chapter of their past that they're still reckoning with. And when we meet someone new? It's that chapter—or, really, the shame surrounding it—that we're worried (maybe not consciously) is going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back. As such, we're kind of both eager to keep this thing to ourselves and reveal it, the latter so we can see, in essence, if there's a chance of being seen. So, the generous view might b
  4. Only you can determine if it's a red flag, and how deep that color is. Sure, paying for sex is common. "Oldest profession in the world," and so forth. Also common? A phase of recreational cocaine use, to pick another vice-centric example that one person would be totally fine with, another would be running for the hills, and still another would be somewhere in between. So I'd just be honest, with yourself, about how this is landing. You can ask him more questions, or not. You can decide to keep exploring and observing, or not. Two to three months is generally the time we get a little
  5. How are you feeling about this? What questions do you have, for him? I think those are the questions to be focusing on right now, rather than wondering if a random internet dude like me has paid for sex or not, and how that information lands with random dudettes. How'd this come up, anyhow? Were you asking about his sexual history? Or did he feel he needed to tell you this about himself?
  6. I'm so sorry about all this. I've highlighted the above because I find it telling. I mean, of course "this" happens in every relationship he gets into. When you are friends with people like this—selfish, mean, disrespectful, as toxic as Chernobyl—you will find it very hard to sustain relationships. That he has not been able to do that math—well, I'm sorry, but that's kind of reflective of what seems to be the real issue here: not her, but him, and his severe lack of emotional intelligence, his prioritizing corrosive attention at the expense of anything like depth. I understand tha
  7. Yeah, you just outlined a lot of moments that are going to torque you emotionally, which is different than being torqued by the prospect of it all, as you are at present. No salve to all that torquing, sadly, no antidote or anesthetic. That you yourself are observing that you may be trying to dodge that in this new relationship—well, I think you need to start being a bit more honest about that, which is to say that love may not be the only intoxicant working through your system right now. There is another side to all this, and it will be wonderful. But you've got to get there.
  8. Sounds like a good plan. When I hear someone using the phrase "I can tell she uses sex as part of her love language," I can't help but hear someone who is in the delirium of romantic transition. This is not a permanent state, but, like grief or hurricanes, a temporary one. Try to remember that, so you can create some human space for you, for her, for whatever this thing that is you plus her to be...whatever it will be. And if creating that space proves impossible, triggers more hyperventilating, or a stubbornness between the legs? Well, rather than see that as another 'loss," I'd se
  9. I read this and the first thing I want to say is: time to take a few thousand deep breaths. Like, for real. Give it a go. One, two, three... Okay, that out of the way, I think you got to the nuts and bolts yourself in that, yes, this is normal. It's normal to be kind of jittery with a new person. Normal to be extra jittery when you're with your first new person after a long marriage. Normal to be extra extra jittery when you are still married, in the earliest stages of untangling that knot, and already trying to tie a new knot. Normal to be extra extra extra jittery when you're having sex
  10. Sorry about all this. I agree with Wiseman that what you're describing is incompatibility, and that you're both likely to find the peace of mind you're looking for in accepting that rather than fighting it, fighting with each other, and coming up with all sorts of passive aggressive transactions that, I'm sorry to say, don't really make much sense. If you want to talk about what is "fair"—well, it's completely fair to want to experiment with drugs, or an open relationship. Unfair would be to expect someone else to do either of those things if they don't want to, or to expect that t
  11. Great questions from Lost. And talking about the nitty-gritty with your friend? Well, I think that would really help you—you both—understand the seriousness of what you're both considering. I say all that in part because I can't help but be a bit unnerved at the idea that you feel this needs to happen "fast," before he matches with and gets involved with someone who isn't enthusiastic about him fathering a child with a friend. If you think he'd be that quick to change his view—well, how can you really trust that he wants to actually be a parent in some capacity? Just going from what you'
  12. Sorry about all this. Have you guys tried or considered talking this out with the help of a therapist? Just seems that you are overdue—like, way overdue—to either put this chapter behind you or accept that it can't be fully processed, together. From what you've offered, it sounds like you've been in something of atonement mode for almost a decade. That's no way to live—not for either of you. You made a bad choice. It happens, happened. But it's important for him to accept that he has made the choice to reconcile, which is not the same thing as punishing someone for eternity and wea
  13. How do you feel about all this? What's your gut response? That's really the important question. I can totally understand being thrown by this, in your shoes, as it inevitably triggers some questions, maybe some doubts and insecurities. I can also understand her position, as people don't arrive on the threshold of our lives in neatly wrapped packages, often have some loose threads that need to be handled in the early months, and can be a bit clumsy in the handling. My generous read would be something like: her ex poked at her, and she felt like she owed it to him and herself to meet
  14. I think one mark of compatibility is that compromises don't really feel so compromising. Sure, we all make them in relationships, but ideally they don't leave you feeling like you've compromised some core personal truth. That, I'd say, is a pretty good marker of the "line" you're trying to find here.
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