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A Safe Place to Talk Freely to the Deceased


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香蕉视频app网Taking a page from the Healing after breakup and divorce forum, where we can post to our exes to keep us from contacting them. That is where I first posted this. I should have posted it here.

 

I just read a list 20 Tips to do when you are grieving, and one is to write a letter to the deceased. Well, that is when it finally struck me that I am avoiding the grief of a loss. I need to face that loss directly. I need to talk to my long deceased ex.

 

香蕉视频app网 Maybe this thread can help you too. I encourage you to post here as a place to speak freely about our deceased friends, lovers, and family members. This is a safe place to say things that maybe we don't want to say to others so as not to hurt them, or to appear mean, or to reveal information that we have been keeping private. Here, we can yell at the deceased if we need to, or we can admit that we didn't treat them well, or we can yearn for them yet again. There will be no one to shush us with an Its okay or Its time to move on.

 

香蕉视频app网 This is a safe place to say what we want to say, without reproach.

香蕉视频app网 __________

 

The 20 Tips are pasted below, for an added reference.

 

香蕉视频app网 ___________

 

香蕉视频app网 Talk about your loss with friends, family or a professional. Grief is a process, not an event.

 

Grief is work, requiring time and energy. The memories, meanings and fulfilled needs provided by the lost loved one take time to work through.

 

香蕉视频app网 Let yourself enter the emotions of grief. Grievers tend naturally to avoid the painful emotions. Losing someone close to you means you deserve to allow yourself to feel all your emotions - sadness, anger, intense longing, guilt and others.

 

Consider writing your loved one a letter. Say what you would tell them as if it were your last chance. Even if you never share the letter with anyone, writing it may help you work through your grief.

 

香蕉视频app网 Resume your life but leave time and space for grieving. Life marches on for the living. But try to resist the temptation to “throw yourself” into work or other diversions. This leaves too little time for the grief work you need to do for yourself.

 

Take care of yourself. You have been wounded. Something very valuable and dear has been taken away from you. Give yourself time and space to begin healing. Get enough rest. Eat nourishing food. Give yourself a break.

 

Resist the temptation to use alcohol or drugs to numb your pain. These can interfere with the grieving process by delaying it or covering it up.

 

If you have any religious inclination, consider contacting your place of worship. All religions recognize that grievers need special help. Consider taking advantage of these services even if you have not been attending regularly. You will not be turned away.

 

Consider seeking out other grievers. Someone who has also been through grief can empathize with you, and vice versa. Organizations like Compassionate Friends or THEOS recognize the value of sharing in a group setting.

 

香蕉视频app网 Don’t feel obligated to join groups if they are not for you. The grief process is highly individual. Some people prefer solitude or reflection rather than group work. Do what feels right for you.

 

香蕉视频app网 Don’t neglect your own health. Grieving puts a heavy burden of stress on your body. It can disturb sleep patterns, lead to depression, weaken your immune system, and worsen medical problems that had been stable, such as high blood pressure. Take prescribed medications and get regular check-ups. If you suffer from disabling insomnia or anxiety, see your doctor. Sometimes short-term medication can be very helpful.

 

香蕉视频app网 Get help for severe or persistent depression. Someone once said: “grief is not a disease but it can become one.” Grief can lead to serious depression. Consider getting professional help if you feel overwhelmed, hopeless, or helpless. Other signs of depression can include sleep impairment (too little or too much), appetite or weight change, low energy, difficulty concentrating, and feeling listless or agitated. By all means, seek professional help if you have suicidal thoughts.

 

Grief work can become complicated. Mixed emotions (positive and negative feelings), unresolved emotional turmoil and losing someone after an argument can complicate the grieving process. Sharing these feelings with a professional therapist can help. Grief therapy need not be a long-term commitment. Even if you don't see yourself as the kind of person who seeks therapy, this may be beneficial.

 

香蕉视频app网 Anger is common in normal grieving and certainly justified when a loved one dies due to the malevolence of others. Try venting your anger in a letter. Consider channeling your anger into constructive action. Volunteer to work for causes that seek justice and prevention. Spending your energy helping someone else can help you in the process.

 

Allow time to grieve. One to two years is not a long time to allow yourself to work through grief. We need to remind ourselves that the healing process cannot be rushed; it will proceed at its own rate.

 

Be patient. The grieving process often includes setbacks. Don’t expect to set an “I’ll be over it” deadline and succeed. Often, grieving resumes after a time, sometimes even months or years. Reminders can trigger a flood of emotions. Don’t be surprised if this happens, and don't consider it a sign of weakness. Instead, your psyche is telling you more grief work needs to be done.

 

香蕉视频app网 At some point those who have lost a partner or love companion will face the decision of whether to be open to a new relationship. Consider imagining the situation reversed. That is, if you died and your lover or spouse survived, what would you want them to do? It may help you to see your situation from this angle.

 

If you feel stuck in your grief, try a new approach. We are creatures of habit who learn very quickly how to avoid painful situations. However, this may hinder working through the entirety of your grief. To “jump start” the process, consider reviewing memorabilia, photos, home movies, or videos. Talk about your loved one at holidays when his or her absence is most obvious. Don’t avoid it so as not to spoil the festivities. This is the perfect time to check in with other family members about how they're doing with grief work, and share mutual support.

 

香蕉视频app网 Create your own memorial service. Celebrate their lifetime accomplishments, values, and principles. Consider carrying the torch of a cause they believed in as a memorial. Start a scholarship, plant a garden, or make a donation in their name.

 

香蕉视频app网 The grieving process has run its course when you feel weary of rehashing events and memories and finally accept the fact the your loved one can remain with you only in spirit. For some, the process never really ends; it just gets easier over time. You will know you are ready to move forward when you feel you can reinvest the energy once invested in your loved one in a new place. This takes time. Good grief means being good to yourself during the process.

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香蕉视频app网Um, hi. I can not contact you. You are dead.

 

I have been failing at work. I have been failing at work since you died, I now realize. I could not speak my pain of your death at my old job, and it had not occurred to me how much it is still affecting me.

 

I need you. You made me work hard, you expected me to stand up to my opposition. You expected me to put everything on the line, and you let me set the price. You held me accountable to my own goals. You expected me to be an adult, to speak my needs and wants, and to satisfy yours.

 

I miss you terribly and have not had a best friend like you, since.

 

香蕉视频app网 I went on a website today. I went on several. I asked the mighty google, Why am I failing? It led me to grief. Well, I have experienced a lot of grief, so I clicked. Most of it was... avoidance, yeah yeah. Then, it said to write the deceased. And the bells went off. I have been avoiding you something fierce. I kept you in a corner when we were together, and I kept you in a private corner as a, well, dead person. And you do not belong in a corner. You belong as a front and center gift in my life, one I never valued publicly as much as I valued you privately. A gift that got me through the most difficult, anxiety-ridden period in my life. A gift, a piece of my survival, a source of joy and self-discovery. You were, in lots of ways, nearly everything good when nothing else was good, anywhere.

 

You are gone now. My job, now, is to do for myself what you did for me.

 

香蕉视频app网 Guess what. It isn't working. I miss you terribly and I am doing an awful job without you here. Maybe what I need is to put a picture of you in my office, where I am reminded of what you expect of me. Maybe I need to process you as with God, fighting, wanting control, getting frustrated with my behavior. You told me you were worried about me in the public dating environment. You knew I was a lamb in the lion's den. I did not believe you. I felt hardened and strong. I was so very wrong. I was naive and ignorant.

 

香蕉视频app网 After you passed, I could feel you judging my romantic (!) partners, none of whom were good enough and none of whom would have earned your approval. And you were right. But it was a feeling I wanted to shirk, because looking for someone who met your standards seemed impossible. Who could be you? Who, indeed? Well, I haven't met him yet. I finally met someone who, I think, would not offend you at least, though I am quite certain you would say he can't take care of me. Because nobody has taken care of me as well as you, ever, in my whole life. Not my father, not my exH, not any lover since. You set the standard, you. Older, physically unhealthy and unappealing, brusque in nature, of few select friends. You set the standard. And I never was good enough, in my heart, for the gifts you gave me. So how could I expect to find you again?

 

香蕉视频app网 OK that is Post #1.

 

香蕉视频app网 Post #2. So what do I do now, big guy? Huh? What do I do to get past this? I don't have you, I can't replace you. I must carry on and I must succeed. What do I do?

 

Oh, on re-post of this I hear you growling. "Get to work."

 

I need to find a piece of you and carry it with me. That will be my next project.

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香蕉视频app网Well, I suppose this is something that will be useful to some but I prefer to write a letter to my deceased friends/family and then keep reading in in private until I no longer need to read it and then I burn it and let go with the smoke and ashes.

 

Good luck with your thread, hope it helps you, IthinkIcan. Oh and call me crazy but burning a braid of sage grass along with the letter helps me along with my "letting go."

 

E-hugs to you for your personal loss.

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Well, I suppose this is something that will be useful to some but I prefer to write a letter to my deceased friends/family and then keep reading in in private until I no longer need to read it and then I burn it and let go with the smoke and ashes.

 

Good luck with your thread, hope it helps you, IthinkIcan. Oh and call me crazy but burning a braid of sage grass along with the letter helps me along with my "letting go."

 

E-hugs to you for your personal loss.

 

香蕉视频app网 TWT in fact, the list of 20 Tips includes holding your own ceremony. You are right on top of things. I am not there yet. I went to his service but I was not vulnerable there. I will likely use your example of burning a sage sprig and finding a way to let go. It is a sound idea.

 

Thanks for the E-Hugs.

 

香蕉视频app网 First, I am deciding to be explicit about the loss of a man who was my lover, mentor, best friend, and safety net. I dated him in private because we ended up working in the same industry and because I was sensitive about a few things. And probably, because of his looks, though he deserved better from me. I am just saying it now to force myself to say it. When he passed I had no official role, I was among the people who lost someone but still expected to go to work the next day etc.

 

That was several years ago. I went into a tail spin with chaotic relationships and isolation from work and friends. I am trying to recover it now.

 

香蕉视频app网 Its the consequence of living a lie, really. It is time for me to bare the truth, if only on ENA, and move on.

 

Maybe others will have reasons for writing; I hope this thread spurs some people to let it go, knowing they can find those thoughts again if they need them.

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Hi B

 

I am getting close to hiring someone.

 

Way back when you were sick, you said maybe I need a therapist to process your imminent death, but I was busted broke and never went to one. I was fine, right? Ha, yeah.

 

So, now, I am dropping every ball you watched me build up the strength to carry, and it turns out it is because I haven't replaced your role in my life. I am struggling learning to become my own manager, my own task master, and my own cheerleader. When I try it, I get sick and injured. I am also my own source of comfort, relaxation, and world view. The intensity of ambition and peace collide within my neck muscles and my right arm stops working. Honestly? It works when I don't have the kids. I struggle being their parent and my own task master at the same time.

 

So:

香蕉视频app网 (1) I am close to hiring someone. Please root for me.

香蕉视频app网 (2) I am close to getting rid of the man I like: he treats me in a way that you can respect, but he is not my last man and if I had to look you in the face I would have to admit that.

香蕉视频app网 - In fact, I would waffle and rationalize, because I would want to hold onto him. Because I like him. Because I need and want companionship. Because I learn while teaching. But, no, you are right. I have given the keys of the sports car to an amateur and you were a professional. May I please wait a bit before I pull the trigger?

(3) I am going to try out this new guy. Let's meet him first. I think you might like him.

 

香蕉视频app网 Okay okay, I heard that. I am working now. I promise.

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香蕉视频app网I went to the GP. He said

 

香蕉视频app网 (1) I need to govern myself. And (2) I am avoiding my work because I know it will drag on and draw me in, and I have a fear of failure.

 

I am adding: I have anxiety that I do not have enough time.

 

 

 

香蕉视频app网 I am remembering that you believed in me, thank you.

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香蕉视频app网Had a dream you asked me to your beach house for the weekend. I had a little catch while I wOrked out whether I had promised someone else (the gent? ) the same weekend away. Then it worked out I'd go with you this weekend, and then after you'd be gone.

 

Apparently I am just through a new laYer of letting you go.

 

Maybe inspired by me having someone on the horizon worth dating?

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Mom

 

You told me not to leave him.

 

I am sorry to have gone against you.

 

I think I did the right thing.

 

God would not ask me to stay with a man who was living lying and sneaking with someone else.

 

香蕉视频app网 Now, I am struggling. I miss having the support of my family. Maybe I am just wrong about what support means. We are not the same without you.

 

香蕉视频app网 I am dating a man who believes in his privilege to be a good provider. So, he pays for dates, yes. He wants to help, yes. But he isn't sure he will ever marry. He thought he would, he told me that was his goal. Now, he is appreciating it, and he is right to wonder. He likes my neighborhood, he has the means to move us all into one house together. He would plug himself into the life I have built, or so he seems to think. Maybe that is why he wonders about marriage at all. He has a strong birth family, large like ours and very supportive and involved with one another. You would like his values. I am not sure he is right for me, but I am not sure he isn't, I am dating him to see if it will ever become clear to me.

 

I need help.

 

I never say that. I think saying that is healthy: an acknowledgement of what you, B, others have done for me and how I need to invest in that. I need help.

 

香蕉视频app网 first, I need to list what I need. That will help. I need a big life planning session with myself. OK.

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  • 3 weeks later...

香蕉视频app网dead guy, without you there is no one who would give me the clarity you had

 

anyone i date, his life gets more complicated with me in it. it just does.

 

you have to want kids. you have to want a turnkey family. you made me see that. you made me see it as an asset.

 

香蕉视频app网 i am dating now the only person i have met since you, who demonstrates the manners dating me that you encouraged me to require. are there really so few of you?

 

香蕉视频app网 why am i avoiding so much right now? i feel like i am about to fix it. but i havent actually fixed it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

香蕉视频app网To my two lost soft shoulders: I have healed much. I fear another blow may be in store.

 

dead guy, you were an amazing gift to me, one I never could have earned over a longer lifetime with you. I am glad I did not have to self-destruct and disrespect you in your eyes.

 

Mom, do you see now? Surely, you would not ask me to have kept him all this time, while he was already sleeping at her house?I would never have told you that, then. I was so coiled up in protecting your image of him as I know you enjoyed it. How much did I stomach so that everyone else would be undisturbed? I will never know. Too much.

 

L, a pain so great I do not talk to you. I used to sing a song in your honor, but it made me cry every time. When one takes a life, the rest of us are supposed to say we do not understand. But I do, now. There were no benchmarks left. And that year you tried and failed, I tried to tell your mom, but she wouldn't hear it, so I stopped talking. I didn't know what to do anymore. Everyone was invited to see a therapist after your death. Except for me. I wasn't even told of it.

 

香蕉视频app网 There are several examples where I felt like the odd one out, the planning of mom's funeral, when I was asked to sit somewhere else at the meal after, the therapist, the birthday party. By the time of the party, though, I decided just to be a better self-advocate.

 

I always was hurt that I had to be a self-advocate.

 

Now, I think I am over it, or beyond it, let's say. And you, dead man, you wanted me to be a better self advocate in all of the years you knew me. I am not there yet, but I am evolving.

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  • 1 month later...

Dear Mom,

 

You taught me to love my children in a way that is producing singular characters full of love security and affection. I am forever indebted to you and to yours, who taught you.

 

香蕉视频app网 I see now why you married Dad, though it took me several decades to forgive and another to appreciate. He hurt your children day in and day out, and you knew the best thing to do was to make the best of it. You taught us to be survivors, to love ourselves. We didn't, of course, but we had the tools to eventually find our way, each of us.

 

Now, I have had a heck of a time choosing a man. In this area, your teachings were insufficient. A man who will learn from me, a man who will cherish me. Yeah, okay. There was much more to learn, about love, finances, life styles. Afraid to teach us those things, lest we lose our own way in trying to follow yours. I needed you though.

 

I now have been to the school of adult dating and learned the hard way. And what would you think of this man? This man who would be a little boy in your company? What do you think of him? I rather think you would like to see him tested. I rather think you might like him. You would see that he can keep up with me. You would see him smile. You would note that he reveals little; on the other hand, he is comfortable revealing what must be said. You would like his Catholic foundation, his local roots, his parents' long marriage, his large family, his warmth for each parent and for his siblings. You would like that he picks me up, that he plays instruments, that he supports charity, that he talks to me.

 

Then, you would sit back with your knowing smile and wait. You would withhold judgment until he proves himself.

 

香蕉视频app网 Fair enough.

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香蕉视频app网It's been 14 years since you were taken for us. I have the pictures your mother gave me. Two are framed, one in my living room and the other in my bedroom. The smaller two in a photograph book and the other on my fridge. They are bittersweet. They bring me comfort and I don't feel alone anymore on days when I do feel completely alone.

When friends stop by to visit and see your pictures they ask "Who is this?" and I say that's my friend. And I leave it at that.

I can not bear to tell them you passed. It will only bring up the next question of "How?". I will not tell them.

香蕉视频app网 I tell them how I see you. You are happy and with friends and surrounded by all the animals you can possibly care for. You are missed by so many people.

I still smile when I think of the time you said "I know I am a vegetarian, but I really do miss hamburgers and pepperoni pizza sometimes, is that bad?"

I thank God that I had the chance to know you.

香蕉视频app网 I miss you and I love you.

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  • 4 weeks later...

香蕉视频app网Dearest Mumma,

 

I am seriously not impressed with you passing away and guess you feel the same way. I'm not as nice as you; I could easily choose someone to take your place to have you back with us. I'm sure that if you're aware of this post, you'll now be mentally scolding me for making such an unpleasant, insincere and 'naught' statement. I miss you. Nothing this awful has ever happened to me before, and to make matters worse, you're not there to make me a cuppa and talk me through it! Your Grandson is wonderful. Literally as wonderful as you said he would be. Gutted you can't cuddle him for yourself and enjoy him. He'll know all about you when he gets older. You'll always be a part of family life. If you're able to hear/read/know this, then you know Dad is up to all sorts. Cooking food he'd never eat if we encouraged him to, insulting people (including me) left right and center, and generally trying to live without you. He's beginning to develop a relationship with me! It's only taken 31 years. Don't worry, I'll look after him/ help him look after himself. Keep an eye on him

When he's driving though. Mum - I'm so sorry you were scared in the end. You could have told me. I'm sorry you felt you had to protect me by not telling me. I would have told you everything that made me love you, but I hope you know that anyway. P.s. I hope that when you pass, old griviences don't matter anymore. I know my sister is a class A **** and hurt you but she's just..... Her. I still want to rub her face in gravel a lil bit though.... I know; I'm naughty. Love you Mumma x

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  • 1 month later...

I haven't put pen to paper to directly address you yet. I plan to. Lauren went to see the Long Island medium last week and said that Theresa asked someone if they've been keeping a journal bc their deceased loved one knew of it. So I have hope that you are aware of me talking to you. I wish you would be in my dreams at least. I have nothing. I don't feel right saying this here, but I had to do something. I love you. I want you back.

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  • 1 month later...

Mom,

 

I met a family over Thanksgiving weekend. They reminded me of our family, our family before you went to go see your mom.

 

And now I am crying. I am crying for the first time in years, in years, since your passing. Have any of us healed since then? When we gather, sometimes we are silly, and we clearly love each other, but it has never been the same and it has never been as compelling without your loving embrace wrapping around all of us, healing all of us.

 

香蕉视频app网 Maybe that is my new mandate. My new mandate to myself is to help us feel it again. Feel your love that runs through all of us. I will try, Mom, like when I was 7 and I helped us love through the anger. I will try this holiday. Just in trying, it will be something.

 

香蕉视频app网 Mom, I met someone. It is the first person I have ever met whom I know you would enjoy sincerely, on your own, even if he weren't mine. It is as if you raised him, Mom. Oh, everyone else is just as we know them to be - nice enough, respectful, learning from me always, willing to care for me, all of that. This is different. He has our energy, our love of life, our innate joy. That peace that you willed upon us, that you modeled for us. That sadness because of the open heart, the sadness of appreciation for other people's pain, yet the sadness never can take away the gift of life itself. The joy that underlies his spirit is obvious to me.

 

He wandered from his church, he wandered over to Judaism. Isn't that funny? I thought it was. He came back to Christianity, because his faith won't leave him even as he leaves it untended and without understanding. He is going to talk to his Monsignor. Because I encouraged him to do it. It is exactly what you would have had us do. That same questioning, the way all communities come together as one, the knowledge that humanity is what it is, and therefore all is temporal. He gets it Mom. I am floored by the spirit of him.

 

And I am exposing myself to more of the same. The entrepreneurial behavior, the chaos, the fat income followed by the slim income. I just am. It feels like sunshine and air. I believe in the spirit. What else is there to do?

 

I miss you Mom. I just realized it, reflecting on the family I met, how much I miss our own when it had you physically present and among us. Its been years.

 

I will throw a party for Xmas. Like in the old days. To carry you forward.

 

香蕉视频app网 And now, I will try to not cry in my office anymore, because it would make you laugh to know that I am crying right now, and you are right. It is rather funny. Cry for what? I have you, I have always had you, and you gave me gifts other people wish for all of their lives and their wishes remain unfulfilled. You gave me something in my soul that I treasure so much. I cry in appreciation of you.

 

香蕉视频app网 Thank you Mom.

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Mom,

 

香蕉视频app网 I scrolled back on this thread to see that I first mentioned this man to you back in August, when you sat back to let him swim about in the deep end on his own for a while. You were SO right. How did you know?

 

We all swim, Mom. Its okay. I don't wonder any more.

 

We are going to visit the place on Earth where we put your human self. I have never been; not since that day. He is going to bring me. I have never wanted to go, until now. I need to have you with us, and I can tell that you will be with us. They chose the same place for his Mom, and he is to go there at some point to make arrangements. Goodness. He is going to have this challenge too. Its not been a year for him, there is so much ground to cover. I see now the meaning of the trip through his eyes and my own in ways I had not previously understood. Oh goodness Mom, I suppose it will be the same for us too. So many themes come together at that place. I hadn't realized till now.

 

Mom, it is one wow after the other, even just this minute.

 

香蕉视频app网 I think, oddly, now, I have given you reason to smile. It has been difficult until now, I know. I am sorry to have caused you pain while you watched mine, but there is no pain. You knew it was a gift, all my pain was a gift. Because I couldn't see without being first made blind. I get it.

 

So me. So Dad. Ahh, that's our way. Ok, I am finding a way to get it together.

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  • 1 month later...

香蕉视频app网Hey mum --- it's been 2 years. And while I miss you with all of my being, the memories of your death and dying are fading and I am going to focus on all that you gave me; the lessons, the love, the guidance. Even right up to the end. You are an amazing woman --- so full of grace and compassion.

 

One of your last words of wisdom: Nothing gets resolved if you don't talk about it.

 

I think about that a lot. And while J and I were not together as you died, we were never apart either. We talked it all out and have come through it stronger and more committed. Maybe that was another gift. To forge from the ashes a committed partnership that I hope lasts for the rest of our lives.

 

So ---- thank you for all of your love and guidance. Then --- and now.

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M, I'm so very sorry that I did not go to visit you in the hospital. You knew and I knew you would soon be gone, and I chickened out and didn't go. I regret it. I didn't know you long, but you touched my life the way only a few can.

 

Your ceremony is next week. It was kind of the radiologist to update our newsletter with the location. I will be paying my respects.

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  • 3 months later...
  • 2 weeks later...

香蕉视频app网Another summer season is upon us Mum, and I cannot open up your house without memories, great memories --- flooding in. I am making some improvements this year, and we will be doing a fair amount of entertainment, which I know you loved so much.

 

Thank you for your love and guidance --- support and selflessness. I guess I will miss you always.

 

香蕉视频app网 PS. Why do the good memories still bring a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes? I wish you could see how far I have come....I guess you can

Edited by mhowe
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  • 2 weeks later...

Mom,

 

I went walking and talked to you. I hurt today, I miss having your face looking at me, giving me comfort just by your presence.

 

I had a crisis of faith today, for the first time ever. What if there is no heaven? What if I am not being looked after by you? What if I am really as alone as I feel?

 

This hurts twice over. Am I doubting you, am I alone, have I lost something I will never again have?

 

That question made me stop. My energy flags.

 

Will I ever find that love I am looking for? Am I staring at it, blind to the obvious? I deserve to have it come together. Also, have written off - again - an intimate life. Don't know why. It feels like the right thing to do.

 

香蕉视频app网 I'm tired, Mom. I know if you are watching me that it hurts you to watch me get so close and then end up alone again. I don't get it. I think it must be as big as the trees and the sky, something so big I am having trouble seeing.

 

Will try to look without looking, see what I see.

 

香蕉视频app网 When he texts again, mom, may I please ignore him? Just simply never respond again? Ever? I sort of wish I could just move home, but there is no home. You were my home. I guess the thing to think about is, I AM home.

 

I think having it all ripped up at this time is difficult.

 

And yes, may your memory be eternal.

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