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2 hours ago, HockeyFan said:

There would be a lot of things to sort out

香蕉视频app网 Well, if you're looking to change things as a way to set your mind at ease, you can put yourself in a better position by addressing this. Task yourself with identifying what those "things" are, and come up with ways to sort them out. Maybe you can reach out to her mom to help you set up a plan for the easiest possible transition (should it come to that)?

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You are doing great!  Better than could be expected right now.

  What to do about the household budget???   If you take over everything she will feel like a child that cannot do for herself so that is out.  But you could take more of an active role in paying bills.  I would like to suggest that you sit down together and talk about a family budget.  Since there is less money coming in this is the perfect time to sit down with all the expenses and income and come up with budget together.  Then when bills need to be paid you do it together.  Nobody is watching the other persons spending, you are in it together for the family.  This could be a good bonding experience where a positive is the outcome.  Money is tight and you solved it together as a team.

  An addict finding the strength to stay clean and get healthy comes in many different forms.  Sometimes it is the fear of losing their children, sometimes it is the last warning at work, sometimes it is a heath scare, sometimes it is the fear of losing the love of their life or all or some of these things.  If there are no consequences to her continued drinking then she will drink herself to death one way or another.  The fear of losing you and her children is probably the biggest fear she has, more than her health or her life because they always think they have it under control and it isn't as bad as everyone thinks.  

  I am going to tell you this not to scare you or to steer you one way or another, I just want you to know just how serious this is.

香蕉视频app网   My father was a good man and always did his best for me under the circumstances.  He wasn't always an alcoholic but like many it creeped up on him and got him and wouldn't let go.  My father went into a 30 day treatment facility when I was 16 yrs old which by that time I was the last child living at home.  My mother had left 4 yrs earlier and my 3 sisters were out of the house.  Like you I didn't know what to do to help so I winged it and took care of things so he could focus on getting better. He stayed clean for a few years after that but ultimately figured he had it under control and started drinking again.  He threw me out when I was 18 but it was the best thing he could have ever done for me.  We patched things up eventually but he was still in grave danger and I tried and tried to help but to no avail.  It finally got so bad when I was 25 that I forced him into another voluntary treatment program.  It was a cold turkey program run by the county as he had no job and no insurance by then.  I say I forced him because I had convinced him to go but on the day I went to pick him up we sat in the car outside his house and he told me he didn't want to go because he was afraid.  Drinking was less frightening than treatment to him.  I was desperate so I told him if he didn't go and do his very best to help himself he would never see me or his daughters ever again.  He agreed to go but later that evening I got a call that he had blacked out from D T's and was taken to the hospital.  While they were doing a CT scan on him he had a panic attack and went into cardiac arrest.  They worked on him for 22 minutes and finally brought him back but there was to much brain damage.  He lived another 3 weeks in a vegetative state on a respirator until he succumbed to pneumonia.  I still carry the guilt of his death to this day.  I know he would have died from drinking and I was doing what I thought was best but I also know I hastened his death.  He was slowing dying and losing everything he had in life including his children because we couldn't bring ourselves to visit and see our father that way but he was alive...

  This is serious no matter how you slice it.  Do the best you can, don't lose yourself in her addiction and be brutally honest with yourself on how much you can take before it is simply to much.

  Best wishes

   Lost

     

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I'm so sorry to hear what you experienced, Lost - but thank you so much for sharing as well.  

香蕉视频app网 I spoke with my manager on Friday, as it was time for me to just give him a heads up about things on the home front and what we're working through.  Not that I'll require any time off or it will effect my work performance - but just more as a heads up because I may need to take some time off here and there over the next little while and wanted him to know what was going on.   After I told him what was happening at home, he told me that him and his wife have been going through alochol addiction with his father in law for years now.  Just a short time ago, he was removed from his home and into a care centre after a brief stay in the hospital.  He still denies he has a drinking problem!  The two of them had to go through his apartment and filled an industrial sized garbage bag of just empty vodka bottles.  So horrible.

We're both having a great day today - so far.  🙂  We both had a great sleep last night, and got in our run on the treadmill.  Last week we agreed to have 'checkpoints' three times a day - to see how we're both feeling, what's going through our mind, discuss anything that might be bothering us.  

Personally, yesterday, I had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders after I watched a few YouTube videos by this woman Amber Hollingsworth in a YouTube series called "Put the Shovel Down".  I watched a few episodes, but there was one she posted after getting feedback from her followers asking for clarification about self care that really snapped me out of how I was feeling.

As much as I know, and I've read, how I can' fix my partner, solve her problems, be her jailer, warden, therapist, whatever - I realized yesterday that I wasn't looking after myself first and was ONLY really focussed on her still.  How my actions would affect her, how my choices would affect her.  

So after watching a few of Amber's episodes I stopped and thought for a bit about the things I need to change to make ME feel better and look after ME first.  Only then can I truly support her the best I can.  

So yes, with less money coming into the house - and the excessive money that my partner has had obviously, to buy alcohol, groceries and cigarettes - that wont' be happening anymore.  We will be sitting down this week to go over our houshold expenses and how things will be paid.  As I said to her this morning, I can't stop her from going to buy alcohol and drinking it in the car before she gets home.  I can't stop her from buying $200 in excess groceries because she binges.  I can't control her smoking habits and what she spends on smoking.  My top priority is to look after myself first, because otherwise I'm good to nobody.  After that, it's the kids (even though they are not mine) but to make sure they are safe and no harm comes to them.  After that, I can only support my partner in the ways we discussed so far and in whatever ways she comes to me and requests.

香蕉视频app网 One other thing I watched, that made me feel a lot better, was this whole approach of drawing a line in the sand.  I love my partner, and her boys, and I know deep down she loves me.  It's not fair for me to say "one more time and I'm gone" or anything like that - because statements like that are only putting more pressure on me to stick to what I said.  I don't want to leave - I don't want to give up - I don't want to just walk away from her and our family.  But I need to be in a place where I feel safe, comfortable and happy before I can be in a place to support her through these disorders.

香蕉视频app网 She's been through a lot - more than a young kid should go through.  At the age of 14 her mother left her father and basically ran off with another guy.  When she got home from school, stuff was removed from the house and her mom was GONE!  While she was dealing with that, and struggles with school (not fitting in, being bullied) - her father (who was looking after her brother and her) met another woman and they got serious.  By the time she was 16, and staying at her grandmothers for a while, her father showed up at her grandma's door and dropped a garbage bag full of her stuff in it - saying that he needed to focus on his own life with his wife and basically wanted nothing more to do with her.  That was when the eating disorder, and drinking disorder started.....

She has a relationship (good one) with her mother now - repaired that over many years.  Her father also returned into her life (after that marriage failed) and he apologized, explaining that it was her that forced him to make the choices he did.   

It's obvious why she developed these disorders - and she's been carrying them on/off for so many years now.  There is no more secrets, no more hiding, she's admitted it all and everythign is exposed.  That in itself makes her feel good - but she feels we all think she's GARBAGE and DIRTY - but I tell her just how silly her thinking is because all of us feel the exact opposite and how proud we are for owning all this and doing something about it.  

This is defenitely going to be a VERY long road - and we're in for many ups/downs along the way.  I know personally I feel better for having made the decisions I have, and the changes I will be making.  It's a start anyway.  🙂

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You have it all right as far as I can tell.  Of course like you have learned this is a very fluid situation but learning how to roll with the punches is a very valuable trait.

 With my father we were lucky pretty early on because he admitted out loud that he was an alcoholic.  To some this doesn't seem like such a big deal but it is.  Alcoholism is a secretive hidden thing and when you shine some daylight on it things change.  I think it gets weaker and has one less tentacle holding onto them.

香蕉视频app网 I am glad to see you are taking care of yourself and treating her with respect.  She truly needs to see herself in a better light and that is something you can help with.  She values your opinion so keep letting her know how good she is looking on any given day (don't over do it though or it will lose it's importance) and help her feel special in your eyes.

  I also like the treadmill thing you are doing.  Consider going for walks after dinner.  It is a healthy thing to do and a wonderful bonding time.  If you cannot leave your phones at home make a deal that they stay in your pockets the whole time.

  You can also help her see that this is totally doable.  That she can beat this and be the person she always wanted to be.  Many times addicts feel like there is no hope and treatment is just slowing the inevitable.  There are plenty of success stories out there and she needs to see them.

Keep posting, it helps

  Lost  

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  • 3 weeks later...

Last Friday, after her first full week of not working, with kids back in school, and only minutes after we had one of our 'check point' talks about how she was feeling and doing, she went from the house to the liquor store and drank in the car while parked in the parking lot.   Drink in the car before picking up her kids at school.

It was obvious to me - it was our Friday night Pizza/Movie night with the kids and there she was sitting on the couch, unable to sit up straight or keep herself still.  I watched as she tried to get food into her mouth, dropping it everywhere and stuffing it into her mouth when she got close enough.  My big mistake:  I confronted her about it!

We left the kids watching their movie and headed upstairs and of course she instantly got angry at me that I woudl think she drank and is lying to me again.  Swearing up and down that she didn't and "What does it matter - you're not going to believe me anyway".  In my anger and hurt I pursued the argument and after a bit she admitted what she did.  At that point it was a complete spiral and three straight hours of me and her mother (over the phone) on damage control.

Most of the time she was a ball on the couch crying and mumbling how she's garbage and only hurting people.  It was when she started threatening to "just end it" and take her own life that things really hit rock bottom.  It didn't matter what I did or said, she (the person I know) just wasn't there.  I had no choice but to call the Crisis Line for help and then faced with the decision to call 911 or not. 

The evening ended with me convincing her to just come up and lie down in bed with me - I put some relaxing spa type music on and as I expected, she pretty much passed out as soon as she lied down.  

香蕉视频app网 Saturday was a full day of her dealing with the shame of everything that happened.  We could have an actual conversation at least and she no longer wanted to hurt herself.  Still, on Monday I called her doctor who called us both back to hear about the events from Friday night.   

I myself have had two over the phone counseling sessions  (one Monday and one Tuesday) and dealing with the situation best I can right now.  I'm almost positive she was drinking again yesterday afternoon/evening - the signs were all there and she was in full gas lighting mode trying to start SOMETHING with me.  It was supposed to be our dinner/movie night together which resulted in me making an excuse of being tired and not feeling well and going to bed on my own.  It didn't matter what I did or didn't do - she was after an argument and I refused to give it to her.   I kissed her goodnight, told her I would see her upstairs......put things away in the kitchen and clean up a bit before I headed up.  She was saying nothing and just sitting on the couch.  I then started making my way upstairs and as I'm half way up THEN she says "So you're just going to bed then?".  There I am boiling with anger inside but just responded kindly that yes, I was - I just need to lie down in the dark for a while and have a big day at work to worry about tomorrow.    Of course it didn't end there - after I was upstairs for a few minutes up she comes to keep poking.  "So you're just going to bed then?"......then she lies down, after a few minutes says "you're not even going to cuddle with me for a bit?".   It doesn't matter what I do or so - it's not enough and if it doesn't result in an argument then she just keeps trying.    

I'm starting to lose faith that this will get better at all.  All I hear from her is how she needs help and other than waiting lists she can't get any.  Even though she's talking to people in these online sessions she's part of - talking with a therapist and her doctor regularly - I'm getting fed up with hearing her treat entering rehab as that being the only thing that will help and until then basically, she can't do anything about it.  The counselor I spoke with yesterday made it very clear that no matter how many rehab centres or people she goes to for help - it's only her that can truly make a change and help herself.  

香蕉视频app网 Thanks for listening. 

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Jesus.

1 hour ago, HockeyFan said:

We could have an actual conversation at least and she no longer wanted to hurt herself. 

You probably don't need me to tell you this, but she's holding you hostage.

1 hour ago, HockeyFan said:

I kissed her goodnight, told her I would see her upstairs......put things away in the kitchen and clean up a bit before I headed up.... There I am boiling with anger inside but just responded kindly that yes, I was - I just need to lie down in the dark for a while

香蕉视频app网 Good move. 

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She has no real fear of losing anything, therefore she doesn't make any effort. Putting herself on a "wait-list" isn't getting help. She knows you won't leave her (have you told her you won't?). I'm betting you frequently tell her you love her. So again, no real incentive to stop drinking. She can cry and call herself names and you cuddle with her. Why would she want to give that up?

香蕉视频app网 My friend who drinks and uses drugs only stopped because someone called CPS and she had to take drug tests. Once she got the all clear from them after a year, she immediately went back to the drinking and drugs. No more consequences, no real change.

香蕉视频app网 I don't have an answer. It's a tough situation. But I do know if someone doesn't experience consequences they are not motivated to make any changes.

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香蕉视频app网 Yes, I do agree with you and it's that whole comment about a person needing to hit "rock bottom" before they are willing to make a change.  Still - we see enough of those people who hit rock bottom and remain there, drinking while at rock bottom.

Sorry, I need to clarify.  She has made an effort and is trying to get help and these waiting lists she is on is because of Covid and there's just that many people looking for help.  The other options we have is to venture out of town and pay 21K to get her in somehwere.  

Even when we were on the phone with the Crisis Line on Friday night she got upset with the woman on the phone regarding her comment about getting help.  She's on every list possible and there's simply nowhere to go for at least the next 9 months to a year.   She went to her doctor to try and escalate things and that too did nothing.  We were on the phone with her doctor on Monday for a good half hour discussing what we can possibly do next....WHILE we wait.  

香蕉视频app网 We don't have 21k sitting around and everything our insurance covers (and we have great insurance coverage) is one year waiting lists.  Sad really.  But with that said - as much as she does need to get in somewhere the onus is still on her to STOP.  Just because she gets into rehab doesn't mean this is all over and finally she's better - and I hate when she talks as if she thinks that's the case.  It frustrates me quite a bit when she talks about that place for 21K and how they do yoga and have a spa.   Excuse me?  Is this a vacation???  *sigh*

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So she gets another year of drinking.

In a year she can do a ton of damage.  To herself or (God forbid) to those precious children she's driving around while drunk.

What would she have to do in order for you to call 911 and get her placed on a hold?  She already threatened suicide.  What would be your limit?

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My dialing 911 brings her in for assessment.  They determine if she's actually a danger to herself or others.  Doing that today won't do anything - she isn't in that place right now and I'll be getting the call to come pick her up and take her home.  

香蕉视频app网 Even if I did call 911 last Friday (and it's most likely what I'l end up doing next time this all happens) - then again, she goes in for assessment and kept there for three days while they do psychological tests to determine her state of mind.   From there, she either goes on another waiting list or admitted (but she would have to be on the verge of killing herself still, after three days of being there, to have her committed).

香蕉视频app网 I discussed all this with both the Crisis Line People and her doctor because I was scared to call 911 last Friday thinking that it means a HUGE impact on her (lose the kids, get committed, etc)....but that's not how it works and I was told how this all plays out if I was to call 911.

香蕉视频app网 My feelings are the same - so she has a free year to drink.  But what else can I do?  Calling 911 now or taking her into the hospital myself today won't do anything.  She's lucid and communicating totally fine and would with them when they ask her questions.  

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Well I'm pretty sure you already know the answer to that question.  If she's obviously intoxicated and I see her attempt to drive somewhere of course I would step in.  Just because I'm not comfortable with knowing she did that on Friday - what do I do after the fact?  Call child services right now and put in a complaint?  They will show up and do their due diligence and nothing will come of it.  I can't police her - it's not my job to watch everything she does.  She knows, after last Friday, that I'm done with asking if she has been drinking....she will drink.  If I see that she's obviously intoxicated and does anything that puts the kids in danger, or herself then I can't have that on me and I'll have no choice but to do what's right.

But right now - of course I'm not comfortable with her actions last week.  I can't do anything about that now - that's done and over with and all I can do is focus on today and be in this moment.  

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Well I left!

After everything that has been going on since Friday night last week - she left to drop the kids off at school this morning and came home with groceries.  She didn't hear me coming up the stairs and I saw her scramble to hide SOMETHING in the closet, then right after come and give me a big kiss to ask me how work was going!  I walked over to the closet and said "YOu shouldn't just stuff your new jacket in the closet like that - we have a coat rack"...knowing full well what was going on....and sure enough the bottle of wine fell on the floor.

I told her I was leaving, going to my parents.  I called her mom, told her what happened and that I was leaving as well.  We are to have the boys tonight after school - I told her that wasn't happening, that I was calling her ex to have him pick them up.  I took her car keys (to the other car) - left her with her wine and I'm not at my parents. 

I asked her before I left, if she was thinking of harming herself.   She's not drunk or has been drinking yet today - so she's in a place that's not controlled by alcohol.  She never threatened anything - just begged me not to leave and not call her ex.  I told her I was done watching her do this to herself, and to us, and I had to leave.  I asked her to please call me or text me every hour or so - that I would be checking in with her to make sure she's doing okay.  Told her I loved her and that if she doesn't call me or answer that I'm calling 911 and giving them permission to bust the door down.

香蕉视频app网 I called the Crisis Line on the drive to my parents - they said I did everything right - nothing more I can do.

On the drive to my parents, I didnt' know what to do about the kids and didn't want to get involved with calling her ex at all.  The woman on the crisis line wasn't sure how to handle that either.  Then it hit me!

香蕉视频app网 When my partner called (as I was driving) - and begged me not to give up on her, on us - I told her that wasn't my choice to make, it was all hers.  I also told her that she had one hour to call or text her ex herself, tell him whatever she wanted, but that he has to pick up the kids after school tonight.   I told her that I wanted him to text me or call me directly, after she talked to him, to tell me himself that he was indeed going to pick up the kids!  She pleaded with me not to do that - that she woudl just send a picture of his text reply - I said that wasn't enough!  That she is responsble for all of this - it's her mess - not mine to clean up.   I didn't care that she didn't want him to know about what's going on - she shouldn't care either if she loves me and the kids that I'm trying to protect.  I told her I wanted to take a damn full page newspaper ad out with her picture and the words "I'm an Alocholic" because I"m sick of her always worrying about who knows.  WHO CARES WHO KNOWS!!!!  Do you hide away from cancer or diabetes?  She's sick - you own it and you deal with it.  

香蕉视频app网 So I'm at my parents now....will be for a few days.  I just had a touch base with her and she's out for a walk right now, which will do her some good.  

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香蕉视频app网 It's good that there are now consequences for her actions.  It may or may not cause a change.  She may use it as an excuse to get drunk or she may see it as a wake up call.

Of course, I hope it's the latter.  I hope she gets the help she needs.

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Wow. 

I know that had to be hard.

香蕉视频app网 Well, I think you've done what's best for you, best for the kids, best for her. 

What a difficult situation. 

香蕉视频app网 Sending you (((((((((hugs))))))))).

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