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I am retroactively very upset about a brutal situation with my gf and don't know if I can get over it


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TW: suicide

Unfortunately there is a long background:

Me and my girlfriend have been dating a bit under a year, and things have been largely good outside of a few bad stretches where our mental health had been "acting up". I have bipolar disorder type II and was unmedicated for most of last year (not recommended!), and my mood swings became totally out of hand when a close family member of mine committed suicide. From the time of his death (later October) to around Christmas, I was massively depressed, often suicidal, sometimes delusional, not eating or sleeping nearly enough and emotionally volatile.

香蕉视频app网 During this time, I noticed that my girlfriend and biological mother were coming off cold, unhelpful and even blaming me for some of my problems or behaviors. For example, I used a tone my girlfriend found a bit rude on the day I learned of the suicide, and we had to have conversations about it for over a month before she dropped it. In this time we had fewer conversations about my emotions regarding the suicide than we did about my tone. She said she felt there was no room for her emotions.

香蕉视频app网 I am used to this from my biological mother, but from my girlfriend it seemed a bit odd. I used to notice this with my last partner as well - that I would see her as making my mood episodes about herself - and I wondered whether or not it was really happening or if I was so distorted in my thinking that I couldn't tell warmth from coldness.

香蕉视频app网 My other friends, my brother and my adoptive mother, on the other hand, were plenty helpful. I began to think I might have a problem seeing empathy from my girlfriend specifically. She told me for months that this was the case - that she was acting completely normal and empathetic, and anything I saw as coldness or misunderstanding or overreacting was a symptom of my bipolar disorder.

I was nearly hospitalized after months of depression and suicidal thoughts, and a large contributing factor to my suicidal ideation was that I could no longer see empathy. I felt I had lost the ability to feel the love of others.

This month: about two weeks ago, my girlfriend experienced a something difficult and retraumatizing, and I was talking to her nightly until 2 or 3 AM to help her through this.

香蕉视频app网 Near the same time, I started spending more time with a few friends from my bipolar support group, one of who is a young woman who I play video games with. I was playing with her regularly (several nights a week). Although I have mostly female friends and it has never really bothered her before, this made my girlfriend extremely jealous. She stopped asking me what was going on in my life for fear that I would talk about this friend of mine. She would lash out at me a bit, saying I didn't really care about her, etc.

I sort of took it for a bit, but recognized the issues from my last relationship which were somewhat similar - the lashing out, a quick switch between apologetic and being aggressive, etc. She realized this was having a very negative impact on our relationship and went to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed her with borderline personality disorder - the same problem my ex had. She then began researching BPD and realized some of the symptoms she had been experiencing for a long time.

香蕉视频app网 She then apologized for "not being able to help" at the end of last year. The more we talk, the more I see that she applied a very arrogant and self-centered thought process towards handling/managing my grief and episode, and she really was being cold as I perceived. I was not simply delusional, and I probably can experience love/empathy just like everyone else, even in episodes.

This was, undeniably, gaslighting. She admits to it. She feels awfully guilty about it. But I feel like I am going totally crazy and having a very hard time a) forgiving it, and b) considering giving this person a second chance. She seems totally legitimate in her apology and very willing to seek help for her BPD, which is helpful (and distinct from my last girlfriend), but I really cannot feel like I trust her anymore. She claims that knowing she has BPD, she can work to make sure that never happens again.

香蕉视频app网 Part of me is worried that it may happen again, part of me is worried that she is a much more arrogant and self-centered person than I thought she was, and a lot of me is feels goofy for being so upset about something that happened over a month ago. But I am VERY upset, and it has had another very negative effect on my mood cycles.

Is this reparable? Is this worth repairing? Can I "get over" this?

TL;DR: my girlfriend told me that her lack of empathy in the face of my family member's suicide was a "delusion" caused by my mental illness, when she actually was being very cold, self-centered and unhelpful.

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Hi,

First off my sympathy on your friends departure. That’s a terrible loss! You definitely needed support during that time. 

I honestly think borderline or not, your girlfriend isn’t a good fit. I think illnesses can impact our judgment or not give us a filter with emotion, but you can’t blame BPD for her being self centered and arrogant. Those are more personality traits. 
I’m schizoid affective and if I was downright gaslighting someone it wouldn’t be because of my mental illness. It would be because I’m inconsiderate. 
 

香蕉视频app网 It’s good she’s seeking help but you sound checked out already. So be honest with your true feelings mental illness aside.

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2 hours ago, bfbfbf said:

She seems totally legitimate in her apology and very willing to seek help for her BPD, which is helpful (and distinct from my last girlfriend), but I really cannot feel like I trust her anymore. She claims that knowing she has BPD, she can work to make sure that never happens again.

Yeah, one can NEVER honestly say this.  Because many of us have 'attitude' and mental illness.  As do YOU.

IMO, there is just WAY too much instability between the two of you 😞 

Way too many challenges- to be 'able' to function in the least. normally.

Yes, she may now go seek some help- but this all takes time.. from things like therapy, to finding the right meds, etc.

And as for you, you're continously bringing up your ex?  Not sure when that all fell apart?  But, I am thinking maybe you aren't so 'over her'?  That is not such a good thing either...

Basically, I doubt a mix like this is ever a success.  you both have some issue's to work through..

AND for you to experience a recent loss, will add to all of this (sorry for this btw.. loss is never easy).

I suggest you take some serious down time, focus on YOU for a good while.. as you work on your own mental health and deal with this loss... You have plenty of family?  That is good, someone real & close, who know you well.

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So you are bi polar and admittedly treated the people you love and love you like crap on several occasions and got a pass but when your gf has issues and doesn't do things right she needs what exactly?  Punishment?  Taught a lesson?  Break up?

It would seem you have been given a lot of grace, perhaps you could learn from them.

香蕉视频app网 You are choosing to stay mad about this because it validates you.  At what point is it enough?

香蕉视频app网 You can easily get over this and work it out together as soon as you accept that you like having this over her.  Once admitted then the problems can be addressed.

Relationships can be messy at times, especially times of stress.  Couple that with bi polar and BPD and it can be way harder to see exactly what you are upset about.

香蕉视频app网 She has accepted you as you are with Bi polar, do you accept her as she is with BPD?

Lost

Edited by lostandhurt
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3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

 Because many of us have 'attitude' and mental illness.  As do YOU.

IMO, there is just WAY too much instability between the two of you 😞 

Way too many challenges- to be 'able' to function in the least. normally.

Yes, she may now go seek some help- but this all takes time.. from things like therapy, to finding the right meds, etc.

Basically, I doubt a mix like this is ever a success.  you both have some issue's to work through..

I suggest you take some serious down time, focus on YOU for a good while.. as you work on your own mental health and deal with this loss... You have plenty of family?  That is good, someone real & close, who know you well.

香蕉视频app网 I second all of the above.  You two seem toxic for each other.  Not a good match. I agree you need some serious down time to focus on your own mental health at this point.

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1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

So you are bi polar and admittedly treated the people you love and love you like crap on several occasions and got a pass but when your gf has issues and doesn't do things right she needs what exactly?  Punishment?  Taught a lesson?  Break up?

It would seem you have been given a lot of grace, perhaps you could learn from them.

You are choosing to stay mad about this because it validates you.  At what point is it enough?

You can easily get over this and work it out together as soon as you accept that you like having this over her.  Once admitted then the problems can be addressed.

香蕉视频app网 Relationships can be messy at times, especially times of stress.  Couple that with bi polar and BPD and it can be way harder to see exactly what you are upset about.

香蕉视频app网 She has accepted you as you are with Bi polar, do you accept her as she is with BPD?

Lost

香蕉视频app网 I also agree with this entire post.  

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I think you two would be best breaking up and staying away from each other. 

You are not good together, and I highly doubt that you and she will be able to make a relationship work. You both need to work on your respective mental health issues, and then think about dating - but not each other. Too much chaos and hurt to go back, I'm afraid.  

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8 hours ago, bfbfbf said:

 was nearly hospitalized after months of depression and suicidal thoughts.

香蕉视频app网 Sorry this happened. Unfortunately, it's way over your GFs head to be your psychiatrists or therapists.

香蕉视频app网 You and your family need ongoing grief support as well as you needing ongoing psychiatric support.

香蕉视频app网 Don't worry about her. Worry about your own physical and psychological health.

The most important thing to remember is that your GF is not responsible for poor control of your bipolar disorder.

She not your psychiatrist or therapist. Stop blaming her for the tragic events in your life or your mental health.

Don't expect a GF to handle things the way someone who has decades of medical training can.

Edited by Wiseman2
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6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, it's way over your GFs head to be your psychiatrists or therapists.

Agree. People react to grief differently. Even professionals aren't perfect. 

If you think she wasn't doing the best she could under the circumstances, that she was in fact trying to harm香蕉视频app网 you, then you really should move on.

Edited by Jibralta
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香蕉视频app网 Can you get over her response so it isn't affecting your moods and the relationship?

香蕉视频app网 No one here can tell you that. It's a matter of self reflection and your ability to adapt and change.

Good luck man sounds like you're going to need it.

 

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I don't know why several commenters made some assumption that I a) have been a *** because of my bipolar disorder. I never said I have been and it's a hurtful stigma about my mental illness that I don't appreciate, especially not on a support forum. And b) that I asked my girlfriend to be my therapist; you can be a kind support and not a cold dismissive person when someone goes through a trauma without being their therapist. I have a therapist. My friends and mother don't act like therapists and they help. Did you read the post? I am pretty saddened.
 

Thanks to everyone who gave more sympathetic responses, even those that were harsh. I will take your advice into consideration.

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I would consider it as nothing to lose by telling GF, "I really appreciate you stepping up to admit your behavior toward me at the height of my grief. I just have to be honest with you, I'm angry with you, and I need to take some time to reflect and get past it."

From there, you've carved out some time without demands and can either gain a new perspective on GF--or not. But that's a better time to listen to your gut.

My heart goes out to you, and I'm very sorry for your loss.

PS: You may also want to bounce this off of the people in your life who WERE helpful to you. They might also be able to help you through this.

Edited by catfeeder
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Why don’t you stick to just taking your medication?  You admitted in your post that  it isn’t recommended to NOT take it.  Yet here we are discussing a relationship where you weren’t even putting her first..you also were not putting yourself NOR your best mental health as a priority. 

香蕉视频app网 But now she has a BPD diagnosis, same as your ex, is apologetic, and you’re making her the devil.

 

香蕉视频app网 Who is gaslighting who here? 

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