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香蕉视频app网 Hi, I have been married for two years now my wife hit me twice today for the first time. Her stated reason was that I was not willing to talk to her when she wanted to - we had been having a quarrel since morning.

香蕉视频app网 I don’t know how to react. I don’t want to give up on the marriage but this is making me question whether I even know her at all.

Any suggestions?

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12 minutes ago, once_a_red said:

Hi, I have been married for two years now my wife hit me twice today for the first time.

I don’t want to give up on the marriage but this is making me question whether I even know her at all.

Leave the situation. Go to friends or family. Alternatively call the police, but she could be arrested. Talk to trusted friends and family. Decide if you want to divorce or work it out. 

What was this conversation about? Has she been violent in the past? Is this an arranged marriage? Do you know if she has untreated mental or addiction problems? 

香蕉视频app网 How did this suddenly happen?

Edited by Wiseman2
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It was an arranged marriage and she has been struggling with some of the facets of the marriage - there was some patriarchy involved from my side of the family and I have been trying to help her deal with it. 
 

香蕉视频app网 I don’t know if this has happened in any of her previous relationships before and hadn’t happened with us previously.

香蕉视频app网 I don’t want to quit and she is apologetic about it. But I don’t know how to prevent this from happening again. I feel like ***. 

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The trigger for today’s incident was that my mother is staying with us for a few weeks to recover from a surgery. She said something mildly patriarchal over breakfast this morning. I jocularly told my mom off for what she said while trying to deescalate the situation, but according to my wife, I was not strong enough and I did not support her. I said she was being unreasonable and that I would be willing to talk if she is calm about it. We did not speak for a few hours because she continued to be quite angry and confrontational, and when I refused to engage, she hit me

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Abuse of any kind is not an acceptable behavior. Looks like she has some past unresolved underlining issues to seriously address so that she can stop her aggressive/abusive approach. There are better respectful ways to resolving conflicts.

香蕉视频app网 The problem here is the more you stay and put up with it without looking at accepting and working on resolving it, the more it will keep hurting you. It has already caused damage to you. You should look at options, talk to a lawyer, not sure how counselling or therapy can help here as there is no respect or love in the relationship.

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I don’t know if I am in denial, but I do feel there is respect and love. I felt quite proud of our communication till this point of time. But now I am so conflicted. 
 

香蕉视频app网 I don’t know if calling it quits is the right answer. 

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27 minutes ago, once_a_red said:

香蕉视频app网 It was an arranged marriage and she has been struggling with some of the facets of the marriage - there was some patriarchy involved from my side of the family

香蕉视频app网 What are the consequences to you and your family if you divorce or have her arrested? What are your options? Your mother sounds antagonistic. You and your mother ganged up on her. Ask her to stay with family so you can take care of your mother. Alternatively ask your mother to leave. Obviously your mother's presence is the source of conflict. You need to deescalate things.

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It has left a mark. 
 

and in answer to wiseman’s question, I am not afraid of consequences. I just don’t want to explore divorce - think it just a nuclear option when I think this relationship can still work. 
 

I am honestly looking for suggestions or advice on whether it is possible to move forward from this and how?

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4 minutes ago, once_a_red said:

I am honestly looking for suggestions or advice on whether it is possible to move forward from this and how?

Marriage counseling. In collectivist cultures, it's difficult to keep extended families out of your business, but you need to attempt that as well.

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1 hour ago, gamon said:

Where did she hit you and how hard did she hit you, was it with a closed or open hand and did it leave a mark?

How she hit him, how hard and where she hit him is irrelevant.  Hitting is not acceptable no matter where or how or how hard.

OP, she will hit you again if you let it slide because by not objecting you are giving tacit permission.  She needs to attend counseling on abuse and why it's unacceptable (she should already know this!).  And counseling for the two of you as a couple as well so you can both learn to communicate effectively.

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香蕉视频app网 Now you see what she is capable of... Physical abuse ( and a cpl other's I'm sure).

香蕉视频app网 This is not acceptable... either you leave for a while, or she can.

Do you have any other family you & your mom can go to?

香蕉视频app网 If a man ever touched me, I'd be gone! ( But, also know there are several forms of abuse- not just physical).

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香蕉视频app网 Speaking personally, my life's too short to share what's supposed to be a home and sanctuary with someone who's demonstrably willing to inflict physical harm on me.  And while tertiary to the risk of immediate physical harm to your person, it is still important to consider if ever you're put in a position to defend yourself, even an abrasion or bruise from restraining or shoving her away can be enough to get you at the very least considered equally culpable from a legal standpoint when matters are reduced to your word against hers.

I can't tell you not to try to salvage things.  Again, I wouldn't.  But if you so insist you should, I will say it's in your best interests to remove yourself or see if she's willing to do so herself until she's willing to take a serious crack at anger management therapy.  

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

How she hit him, how hard and where she hit him is irrelevant.  Hitting is not acceptable no matter where or how or how hard.

I don't know about that. When my marriage was rapidly deteriorating and conflict was high, and my now exwife became agitated during an argument with me not seeing things my way sometimes she'd turn towards me and rapidly pummel her hands against my chest for a few seconds before turning and walking away. It didn't hurt, it didn't leave any marks, it was not done with malice or the intent to inflict pain, and it was clearly her frustration with me bubbling over. Some might say "She HIT me!" and they wouldn't necessarily be wrong but I wouldn't consider that to be physical abuse.

 

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1 minute ago, gamon said:

I don't know about that. When my marriage was rapidly deteriorating and conflict was high, and my now exwife became frustrated with me not seeing things my  way sometimes she'd turn towards me and rapidly pummel her hands against my chest for a few seconds before turning and walking away. It didn't hurt, it didn't leave any marks, it was not done with malice or the intent to inflict pain, and it was clearly her frustration with me bubbling over. Some might say "She HIT me!" and they wouldn't necessarily be wrong but I wouldn't consider that to be physical abuse.

 

香蕉视频app网 Sorry this happened to you and to the OP. There's definitely a double standard about abuse towards men and boys. Which I don't agree with at all!

香蕉视频app网 If a man can control himself to not hit a woman, a woman can definitely control herself, as well.

You're ex wife and the OP's wife, definitely have anger problems & are incapable of controlling their emotions and actions. MAJOR CHARACTER FLAWS at the very least.

I would seriously consider leaving over this. Actually, no. I would be out the door already. 

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I really don’t feel you should stay in a situation where physical abuse is going to be how she ‘deals’ with conflict. Unless she’s willing to seek individual counseling and marriage counseling, I don’t see this getting any better. 
 

Nobody no matter how angry should never resort to violence! 
 

In my first relationship I ever had when I was 20. The guy was verbally and physically abusive and I kept making excuses for him. I would even get myself to believe in the excuses. After that relationship I vowed I would never let another guy get violent and violatle. 
 

香蕉视频app网 When I dated afterwards one hint of the person showing extreme anger issues I bolted. 

I understand you are married but anyone causing bodily harm needs to be removed from your life.

 

No need to make excuses for her behavior either, trust me that will get you nowhere!
 


 

 

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Abuse is not okay.

香蕉视频app网 As others have suggested, your best bet at this moment is to leave. Honestly, go. Stay with a trusted family member or friend. You need to be safe!! Then, you can figure out how to proceed from here - marriage counseling, etc.

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