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[Warning: Long Post] Difficult Decisions that Affect My Future


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My partner (m, 32) and I(female, 30) have been together for 3.5 years, living together for about a year, and are not yet married. In the last 12 months (even pre-pandemic), we have fought constantly about concerns over personal space and boundaries from my family, and having trust. My personality is more lax, always doing what others want, pleasing others, dragging my feet, and haven’t really taken the time to think about my future. My partner is a doer, he’s confident, solves problems right away, and has a lot of dreams that he wants to achieve. 

香蕉视频app网 We have never been unfaithful to each other. Much of the tension between us is my personal baggage that I struggle with, and his needs and expectations in a partner. He thinks I need to create space and boundaries from my sister (40). The thing is I am quite scared and nervous to talk about “adult” things with her like money, goals, buying a house (when it pertains to my relationship). She is confrontational, demanding, aggressive, and everything is always a point of contention. There are times where I am okay around her, but I tend to sweep the bigger issues under the rug. I am also financially tied to my family with many things that are under my name, or have my name tied to them such as car insurance, credit cards, a business. I felt the need to help out my family because they needed money or support. 

My partner has expressed his frustration and dissatisfaction with the way that my sister treats me, and consequently, him. Although they have not had any verbal confrontation, I fear that it is possible, and it will poison my relationship with my partner. My partner is independent in every sense of the word: he has full control of his finances and makes his own decisions about everything. For me, I am always thinking of what my sister or mother wants that it is really tough for me to find my own sense of self, or have that conversation to be fully independent. My way of coping with my hesitation is by dragging my feet (for the past 2 years) over this issue.

He pushes and encourages me to cut ties financially with my family, but also create personal space so that I am not always obliged or feel guilty to say “yes” to the things that they want. I often feel guilty because I am a people-pleaser, which is something that I’ve tried to change in the past few years. In doing so, I’ve felt even more caught up in my fear (to confront my sister) to make those changes, or try to separate my life and become my own person, and have a healthy relationship with everyone. He wants me to trust his process and build this financial stability for myself, so that I am not relying on my family. 

Most recently, he bought the house (under his name) of which we are currently renting. He saw it as a great opportunity to take over the property. I was hesitant toward this idea because I know how my family will react when they find out (haven’t told them yet). They will complain that it is too far (~35 min drive from their place), and that it was a selfish move on his part. I would feel confident in his decision to buy this place if my family did not have a say in what we do in our relationship. I would feel at ease without the opinion of what my family thinks WE should as a couple. I am constantly torn between trying to please my family and trying to please my partner. My family thinks I follow what he does. My partner says that I don’t trust him. I do trust him, but I constantly go back to what my family thinks, and it is exhausting. 

We have talked about taking a break, but at the end of our arguments, we always push that idea away. I know what it leads to and I don’t want to break up. 

Because I am not financially independent from my family, we can’t get married because he doesn’t want to start off our marriage this way. We have even looked into couples counseling. Is marriage something that will have to wait until I get my issues resolved? What do you think we should do about this? 

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Stop trying to please your family.

香蕉视频app网 I'm 100% with your partner on this one.

香蕉视频app网 Marriage is a financial contract disguised with a bunch of romantic gestures and exchange of rings and lots of flowers and lifelong promises that are broken about 50% of the time. To consider marriage with your financial differences would be a huge mistake, almost as big a mistake as letting the opinion of your family members dictate your actions.

香蕉视频app网 They aren't nearly as smart as you think they are.

 

Edited by gamon
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香蕉视频app网 I agree with your boyfriend. Your family is way too involved in your life and he's also right to not want to start a marriage with so much involvement.  And yes, if you want to marry him, then you need to get all your issues resolved.  If not, the writing in on the wall for this relationship and it will be doomed (imo).

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I think you are going to possibly lose a good relationship and marriage if you don't make some changes. Grow up, become independent and distance yourself from your family. If you love this man and want a future with him, you have to make some changes and asap. GL

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18 minutes ago, cpskur said:

香蕉视频app网 Because I am not financially independent from my family, we can’t get married because he doesn’t want to start off our marriage this way.

Is marriage something that will have to wait until I get my issues resolved? 

香蕉视频app网 Absolutely he can not marry you and become legally and financially tied to you when you are so legally and financially over-entwined with your family.

It would be best to move back home. Couples counselling is not for this purpose since you do not want to change anything about this financial and legal liability with your family.

香蕉视频app网 What do you want in your life? A family? Marriage? If so you have to get your own insurance, phone, credit, etc in your own name. When people marry, it's a financially and legally binding contract. 

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It comes down to this:  You have to choose either your boyfriend or your family. 

Definitely seek professional couples counseling.

Yes, postpone marriage plans until you have these issues resolved.

You need financial independence and have everything in your own name such as at least credit cards and insurance policies.  It's sink or swim in this world.  Everyone must figure out a way to survive on their own.  You are not responsible for your family.  They are grown adults and should be responsible for their own survival.

Enforce healthy boundaries with your family and if they refuse, then you're the one who has to choose whether your boyfriend goes or stays or your family goes or stays.  You can't have both and you can't have everything in this life which is an unfortunate reality. 

Start creating distance (boundaries) between you and your family.  Keep the peace, avoid confrontation and heated arguments.  This doesn't mean taking the passive route.  This means be in the driver's seat and from now on as you steer the ship.  Play by your rules from now on.  Don't be a doormat.  Develop a backbone otherwise your boyfriend will kick you out of HIS house and break up with you.  It is only a matter of time.

Develop a backbone, be strong and self confident.  Never be a pushover.  Your boyfriend is trying to teach you to be tough. 

If you can't resolve this by making changes, then your family wins and you will lose your boyfriend.  You need to make a serious decision and make a hard choice. 

Years ago, I was you.  I have dicey relationships with some of my relatives and in-laws.  I was lax and allowed others to push me around.  I've since had a wake up call and changed drastically.  You can't control others.  However, you can control your own trajectory always.  I like the new me as you will respect and admire the new you, too.  Take the first step and toughen up because no one will do it for you.  It's all on YOU.

 

 

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40 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Years ago, I was you.  I have dicey relationships with some of my relatives and in-laws.  I was lax and allowed others to push me around.  I've since had a wake up call and changed drastically.  You can't control others.  However, you can control your own trajectory always.  I like the new me as you will respect and admire the new you, too.  Take the first step and toughen up because no one will do it for you.  It's all on YOU.

What was your wake up call? 

My problem is that I am too scared to take leaps of faith, too scared to take chances. 🤬

 

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1 hour ago, cpskur said:

What was your wake up call? 

My problem is that I am too scared to take leaps of faith, too scared to take chances. 🤬

 

香蕉视频app网 No -you're not "too scared" you're just taking the easy way out - the devil you know is letting your family control you, being the dependent child - it's not perfect but it's known, it's familiar and it's comfy especially financially.  I agree with Cheryln's advice.  If you keep up with what's easy you take the chance of losing him and he would be right to walk away IMHO.  Marriage is a leap of faith even with all the right ingredients for a happy, healthy, stable marriage.  I mean, of course it is, by definition.  You can be 100% sure and excited to be taking your vows, know that it's right, and for the right reasons.  And it's still a leap of faith.  So the wake up call might be losing him which would be a shame. 

My friend and her boyfriend broke up many years ago because he was scared that he'd be too attached to his parents as their caregiver and wouldn't be any good in a marriage (at least that was the reason given).  On Valentine's Day about 6 months after the break up he sent her a dozen roses  - and they married almost 30 years ago.  It's been such a long hard road.  Why? Because of his parents -now, his mother.  He's attached at the hip to his mother and his sister - she's very controlling - and his wife -my friend -takes second seat so much of the time as does his daughter.  It really didn't change.  It's really hard too.  And unfair.  For everyone.  

香蕉视频app网 If you want to move forward in any way in life you have to take reasonable chances and leaps of faith and you have to choose fear or progress at certain times.  Many years ago my aunt and uncle took me out for brunch and strongly suggested that my plan to relocate 800 miles away to be with my future husband might not be the best idea since my parents would be on their own and my older sister might not be too available. 

It honestly didn't occur to me to reconsider being with my future husband because of the relocation - and that was because my parents were over the moon that he and I were together and planning a life together.  I absolutely took a leap of faith to marry him - moving for the first time out of state, newlywed, new mom shortly after our wedding.  I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.  Of course I had some jitters, some normal doubts, some fears.  But it's part of growing up and part of finding happiness.  Please don't tell yourself you're "too scared" - stretch yourself, challenge yourself, challenge that bully that is your "fears" holding you back.  Good luck.

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2 hours ago, cpskur said:

he bought the house (under his name) of which we are currently renting. He saw it as a great opportunity to take over the property. I was hesitant toward this idea because I know how my family will react when they find out (haven’t told them yet). They will complain that it is too far (~35 min drive from their place), and that it was a selfish move on his part.

香蕉视频app网 Good for him. So what, if they should 'react' in a neg.  This is YOUR life!

Complain because you are over half an hour away ( gimme a break) 😞 .

When we all grew up- we moved everywhere.  One sis lived over 4 hrs north, another double that. And bro was an hour south.

2 hours ago, cpskur said:

I am constantly torn between trying to please my family and trying to please my partner.

Not fair on you & your partner.  

香蕉视频app网 IMO< is time to focus on YOU now.  You've grown up and moved on.  Your sister sounds a little 'toxic'- not good.

I can see , in ways, how your bf may not 'understand' your point of view... as he doesn't want all of these pressures - with his gf.

香蕉视频app网 Can be hard to get out of this.. but, I feel, for your own good (mentality), you just have to.

That way things will ease off stress-wise for both of you.

香蕉视频app网 You have done enough, correct?  Then act now, and begin with distancing from them.  Do not jump in and save them anymore.

If you need some support, maybe even consider some prof help for yourself- can you get in to see a therapist for a while?  They are neutral and you can 'vent' there - and also work through all of this.

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3 hours ago, cpskur said:

香蕉视频app网 What was your wake up call? 

My problem is that I am too scared to take leaps of faith, too scared to take chances. 🤬

 

香蕉视频app网 My wake up call was when I could no longer tolerate not having control over my life and it was intolerable to be treated with disrespect because I allowed others to do so.  I had enough.  I learned from experience that I cannot change people nor control them even in a positive way.  All changes and control come from within such as you or me.  Either do nothing and risk losing your boyfriend while keeping your family intact or have an independent mind and keep your boyfriend.  You need to decide who comes first in your life?  Your boyfriend or your family?  Those are the sacrifices you need to consider.  Or, enforce very strong boundaries with your family as I had done.  Keep the peace at a safe distance.

The main question is:  Are you financially independent?  Can you stand on your own two feet? Do you need your family to survive every month?  If you can afford to be an economically independent woman, suddenly, you have more choices in your life so take them!  If you don't have economic independence from your family, then your relationship with your boyfriend will continue to suffer and you're connected to your family long term due to money.   

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5 hours ago, cpskur said:

I would feel confident in his decision to buy this place if my family did not have a say in what we do in our relationship.

香蕉视频app网 This makes no sense to me at all. Why does your family "have a say" in what your partner chooses to buy WITH HIS OWN MONEY??

You are excessively intertwined with your family. You will destroy your relationship if you don't stop this behavior.

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10 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

My wake up call was when I could no longer tolerate not having control over my life and it was intolerable to be treated with disrespect because I allowed others to do so.  I had enough.  I learned from experience that I cannot change people nor control them even in a positive way.  All changes and control come from within such as you or me.  Either do nothing and risk losing your boyfriend while keeping your family intact or have an independent mind and keep your boyfriend.  You need to decide who comes first in your life?  Your boyfriend or your family?  Those are the sacrifices you need to consider.  Or, enforce very strong boundaries with your family as I had done.  Keep the peace at a safe distance.

The main question is:  Are you financially independent?  Can you stand on your own two feet? Do you need your family to survive every month?  If you can afford to be an economically independent woman, suddenly, you have more choices in your life so take them!  If you don't have economic independence from your family, then your relationship with your boyfriend will continue to suffer and you're connected to your family long term due to money.   

To add to what Cherylyn wrote - do you think your family has your best interests at heart if they are enabling you staying so attached to them considering you are an adult woman? 

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

To add to what Cherylyn wrote - do you think your family has your best interests at heart if they are enabling you staying so attached to them considering you are an adult woman? 

I'd say no? Before I moved out of my sister's house (2019), I mentioned that I wanted to have my own insurance policy. Not bundle with her. She asked me why, I'm not married yet, would I join his (bf), all sorts of questions. I didn't take my name off the policy and now I'm too scared to bring it up. Truth is, I follow her so much that it is unhealthy.  I mean, I lived with her and her family for 8 years.. 

Part of the reason why we are so entwined is my sister doesn't have credit because of some financial trouble that my mom did to her many years ago. They are still paying it off and so that's where we are with so many ties. So, she can't have anything in her name. But now, her husband, me, and my mom all help her out.

香蕉视频app网 Basically it's convenient for my family to keep me tied financially. Or even living closer to them. Anything else would threaten that and they will guilt-trip me.

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Here’s what you have to realize — guilt tripping is not ACTUAL guilt. It is others controlling you and you deciding that their thoughts and feelings are more important than your own. Granted, this has been the main factor in your upbringing and relationship, but you have to make the decision that you are only responsible for yourself and your actions.
 

Consequently, if you go out and steal something, that is something that saddles you with actual guilt — you did something you and all of society knows is wrong and you chose to do it. With your family, they make up rules — which change constantly — about decisions, actions and feelings that you don’t actually agree with. Acting against this should NOT bring guilt, it should bring a stronger self identity. 
 

I have known others in your situation and the only thing that worked was to,I I use contact and STOP SHARING ANY PRIVATE AND PERSONAL information. My husband’s family was like this. He got fed up and stopped letting them have a sayin anything by not telling them anything and not spending a lot of time. I will never forget, maybe 25 years ago, his sister called and something came up and she started telling him what to do. He sad, “you are never going to ever be in a position to tell me what to do ever again.” And now she is terrified of him. He talks to them, he helps his mother, they have a relationship with our daughter. But they wouldn’t dream of having an opinion on his life that they share. 
 

Get a therapist and get your own life. My husband’s family is still all together thinking with one brain and we have our own lives and it all works. He is a much happier, much more functional, strong person since he decided he had enough. 

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香蕉视频app网 Your sister doesn't have the right to ask "why?" because that's your business, you have your own reasons and you are under no obligation to explain "why?"  Should you tell her that you want your own insurance policy, just do it.  You don't require her permission.  Tell her what you will do so she knows she will be uninsured and it's time to shop around for her own insurance policy.  That's her problem, not yours.   

香蕉视频app网 Don't be scared.  Your sister is a grown adult and responsible for her own troubles.  I agree, it is unhealthy for you to follow up constantly.  She is NOT your child. 

Again, her bad credit is once again, NOT your fault nor your responsibility.  Keep in mind, since you share credit together, whatever she does will impact YOUR credit history negatively bringing you down with her.  Don't take this unncessary risk.  You are legally bound and liable as long as your name is attached to her name.

香蕉视频app网 It's a sorry situation what your mother did to your sister years ago, however, it's NOT your problem.   Live your own life and live your own financial life. 

You have a BIL, (brother-in-law), your sister's husband.  Have your BIL and your mother help your sister out.  You need to be out of this sick money loop.

香蕉视频app网 Let them guilt trip you.  Simply ignore.  Don't allow them to manipulate you.  Don't fall for their gaslighting traps either.  Be mentally prepared.  Google "gaslighting."  It is psychological warfare and the oldest mind game trick in the book. 

香蕉视频app网 Have your own money and do with it as you will.  Financial and economic freedom buys you independence.  If you have it, run away with it. 

Unfortunately, in your case, you would be sacrificing your family over your boyfriend.  You need to decide who is more important to you since you cannot have both of them in your life.  You choose. 

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