Jump to content

Ended on good terms. Does this mean i should move on? Dont know what my heart is telling me


Recommended Posts

I (M24) met my ex gf (F21) at work and we had a relationship for a year this January. Things got complicated when her mum found out that she was talking to me. Long story short, we agreed and wanted to marry each other in 2/3 years time but after her mum found, her mum for some reason said she cant marry me (even though she knows nothing about me. Literally nothing. Only that I work with her daughter and we had been talking for a few weeks (that’s what she told her mum to get her to calm down)). My dad knows her dad and I believe that my family can potentially make it work, even though her mum hates me for some reason. Her mum found out about 4 weeks ago and for 3 weeks after that, I kept bringing the marriage convo up and pretty much suffocated her with that talk. She said if nothing goes wrong and we end up still being friends in 2/3 years, then shell be happy to marry me if her mum allows it. She also said that she doesn’t want to lose me and still wants to be friends.

 

I called her last week cause I had a feeling we’d drift and we talked for like 3 min and then I texted her at night saying hey, how are you and she gave me the seen after I said im alright. That’s when I went into no contact and haven’t talked to her for 6 days. We work in the same place but we only work on the same day on the weekend and I think shes changed her shifts to mornings to avoid me.

 

I don’t know what this means. Is there a chance that shell contact me cause Ill probably do no contact for a month or two, working on myself but also want her to contact me. Are we officially done, even as friends, even though she said she said she still wants to talk to me and not lose me or should I still have hope or maybe reach out to her later on?

Link to post
Share on other sites

香蕉视频app网 If you believe her lame excuses, you haven't had enough life experience. She's an adult. If she wanted to continue being your gf, she would've. No, don't stay friends with an ex either to put yourself on ice, waiting for her to realize you're the love of her life, or to stay in her life at any capacity because you're willing to settle.

香蕉视频app网 She's all for being friends because she has a fan in you. It's a good ego boost for her until she has no time for you when she gets a new bf.

香蕉视频app网 You can't have closure staying in contact, and being buddies will drive away any new women you try to date. Move on. The right woman will never leave. Not even once.

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, Andrina said:

If you believe her lame excuses, you haven't had enough life experience. She's an adult.

Its not that simple. And theres no lame excuses. Shes called me while she was sitting in her car at 2am, cause her mum was going off at her about this situation and she was willing to sleep in the car just avoid her till her dad called her in. Her mum also followed her to the gym to see if she was actually going or to see me and was even going to come to work.

 

Before she met me, her mum and everyone else knew that she didnt want to get married anytime soon, not until shes 27 or even later. she changed her mind after she met me. We had genuine love for each other. Im also her first love, she gets jealous when I talk to other girls, everything was perfect up until her mum found out. Theres just something wrong with her mum. She doesn’t want her to find anyone, let alone me. She told her, lets go to his house tomorrow, talk to his parents and youll get married end of this year. She agreed and said lets do. And then her mum did a 180 and said no, your not marrying him within a space of 5 seconds. Shes not the problem, its her mum.

 

Also she wont have another bf cause shes not that type of girl. Shes gotten messages before she met me and she hated it. Basically what im saying is we both knew we wanted each other. But I suffocated her cause I kept telling her it will work out or my family will make it work and I see why she ignored me. But will doing no contact make her contact me? Or is the situation just f*cked (sorry for the language)

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Jimmy111 said:

Things got complicated when her mum found out that she was talking to me.

her mum for some reason said she cant marry me even though she knows nothing about me. Literally nothing. 

Her mum found out about 4 weeks ago and for 3 weeks after that. 

I kept bringing the marriage convo up and pretty much suffocated her with that talk.

Why have you never met her family after a year? Is she allowed to date at all? Is she a virgin or has to wait for marriage? Is she scheduled for an arranged marriage?

香蕉视频app网 What specifically, does the mother not like about you?

The marriage talk is a bit crazy, no? Way too much too soon. You both need education, jobs, your own car, phone, apt etc. before  you start using intense talk like that.

It makes you seem pushy and insincere. Is that what is turning her and especially her mother off about you?

Perhaps in a while when she's allowed to date you can revisit this.  But stop the secrecy. Either her family is ok with her dating or they are not.

香蕉视频app网 What does she tell you her mother dislikes? Obviously the mother does know about you.

香蕉视频app网 Just lay back. You don't 

Edited by Wiseman2
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Jimmy111 said:

香蕉视频app网 even though her mum hates me for some reason. Her mum found out about 4 weeks ago and for 3 weeks after that, I kept bringing the marriage convo up and pretty much suffocated her with that talk. She said if nothing goes wrong and we end up still being friends in 2/3 years, then shell be happy to marry me if her mum allows it.

香蕉视频app网 strange for her mom to have such a reaction.

Parents can react that way- being over protective... and can take time to 'accept' and let their child go, live their life.

Marriage is not the answer, IMO. - as you suffocated her with all of that, now you know to leave that alone.

3 hours ago, Jimmy111 said:

Ill probably do no contact for a month or two, working on myself but also want her to contact me. Are we officially done, even as friends, even though she said she said she still wants to talk to me and not lose me or should I still have hope or maybe reach out to her later on?

香蕉视频app网 Yes, leave her alone now.  To let her think on things.  She could just be overwhelmed now with all of the issue's ( You & her mom).

To be 'friends' with an ex isn't always so easy - especially if hard feelings are present... maybe, in time.

It's been 6 days... keep going.  IF she feels up to it & ready, she will reach out again.  Give her time.

You said she read your msg but no response 😞 

Then the ball is in her court now.

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why have you never met her family after a year? Is she allowed to date at all? Is she a virgin or has to wait for marriage? Is she scheduled for an arranged marriage?

香蕉视频app网 ive met one of her sisters which she is a friend of my sister and i know her dad as well. she is a virgin and before she met me, she never thought she would be with a man (not that shes gay, just thought she would never be with a guy like that and didnt think she would be comfortable) and she doesnt want to lose me because she doesnt think she would find someone like me.

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What specifically, does the mother not like about you?

from what ive gathered from the girl, the mother doesnt like me cause she thinks her daughter just settles for anyone even though we both know thats not true. so shes hating on me cause she thinks her daughter just talks to every guy which is not true. also we work with each other which makes it the best possible situation to talk to a guy rather than meeting someone from online.

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

香蕉视频app网 The marriage talk is a bit crazy, no? Way too much too soon. You both need education, jobs, your own car, phone, apt etc. before  you start using intense talk like that.

its just tradition in our culture to marry young. people our age that we both know are already getting married. every time someone marries, may family is always saying when you getting married, etc. and to be honest, im in that mindset of looking to get married in 2/3 years. i just need to find a career job (finished uni last year, she finishes this year) and get married soon.

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It makes you seem pushy and insincere. Is that what is turning her and especially her mother off about you?

Perhaps in a while when she's allowed to date you can revisit this.  But stop the secrecy. Either her family is ok with her dating or they are not.

香蕉视频app网 to be honest, its not just her family, its mine as well. if my parents found it, it wouldve been the same so i know where her parents are coming from. but they wouldve understood that im at that age of looking for someone. 

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What does she tell you her mother dislikes? Obviously the mother does know about you.

the mother doesnt know me which i dont understand why she doesnt like me. he other sister told her mum that shes talking to someone, blah blah blah and basically snitched. to be honest, if she talked to my parents, friends and anyone i know, they will say she'll be lucky to have me (i know thats cliche but im an introvert, keep to myself, dont go clubbing, drinking, etc.).

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Jimmy111 said:

Also she wont have another bf cause shes not that type of girl.

香蕉视频app网 Don't fool yourself. Every girl, or woman, or man, or boy who is pulling away from a current relationship has the potential to be interested in, or is already involved with someone new.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, Jimmy111 said:

She said if nothing goes wrong and we end up still being friends in 2/3 years, then shell be happy to marry me if her mum allows it.

^ Is this something to do culture and/or arranged marriages?  If so, that may explain why her mother doesn't approve of you, because her parents may have had someone else in mind for their daughter.  Definitely something in her family dynamic/culture and that will be very difficult for you to break through (imo). 

Link to post
Share on other sites
43 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

her parents may have had someone else in mind for their daughter

香蕉视频app网 no, they assumed she wasnt getting married till her late 20s. also i dont think they have anyone in mind. a week before her mum found out, someone proposed and both the parents were for it. they spoke to her and she told them no. 1. she doesnt know who they are, 2. regardless who it is, she isnt getting married anytime soon. same with me. my parents have brought up someone but im not ready which is why ive said no

Link to post
Share on other sites

香蕉视频app网 Also, any advice on how i should approach her at work? we work in retail so every now and then id walk past her. im in no contact mode. should i not look at her/smile and let her approach me? or should i say hi when im walking past

Edited by Jimmy111
Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Jimmy111 said:

no, they assumed she wasnt getting married till her late 20s.  a week before her mum found out, someone proposed and both the parents were for it.

Well, I think there's your answer.  Doesn't look like you stand a chance (for whatever reason). 

香蕉视频app网 At work, simply be polite/courteous. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Capricorn3 said:

Well, I think there's your answer.  Doesn't look like you stand a chance (for whatever reason). 

this was a random person that proposed. i think they were for it cause he was 29 and he was already settled and the mum knew she would say no which is why she asked. i know this sounds messed up but the mum would be happy if she never found a guy. the mum only wants herself to be happy, not her daughter. she brought up her mental health, her feeling upset, etc. and the mum didnt care. she just wants her way and nothing else. this issue lies deeper than me and her

Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Jimmy111 said:

, they assumed she wasnt getting married till her late 20s. 

So people DO get married in thier late 20s like the average in many countries. 

You're too pushy. That's why her family doesn't like you. Also she's sneaking around with you. Another reason this is going nowhere fast.

香蕉视频app网 You want things your way. Only your way. And you want your way now.

香蕉视频app网 Her parents aren't idiots. They know you threw that marriage line out there to get in her pants.

Stop. Date other girls. Leave her and her family alone.

Edited by Wiseman2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Treat her with courtesy like you would with any other co-worker, but don't invest any more than that. Like I said before, being friends with someone you wanted romantically isn't good for you to be open to developing bonds with another woman. If she asks why you can't be friends, explain that to her. 

If the relationship isn't happening in the present, don't hold out for success in the future. That's too high of a risk to put yourself on ice for something that's far from a sure thing at a later date. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is worth waiting around for for years. She's not the only nice, attractive single woman on the planet.

Edited by Andrina
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I sort of got the feeling there's some strong pressure maybe from your culture or upbringing to show integrity by proposing or offering marriage this early. It's all lost in the text and international context here. Just leave it for now. If you both come from conservative backgrounds and you've set up against her mother or her family, you're setting both of you up for failure. 

香蕉视频app网 Leave it the way it is and let her come to you once things smooth over with her family. It may never smooth over and that's something you'll have to figure out - whether it's worth your while sticking around.

香蕉视频app网 Recognize the pressure first that you're putting on yourself and on the situation. Where is it coming from? Why are you reacting to it and who says that you have to do things a certain way? Is there another way of doing or thinking about things? If you don't offer marriage are you afraid of being forgotten? Of losing this person? Does this person determine who or what you are as a person? Why? 

Get back to yourself and keep taking a look at why she's important and why she's important only in x way, so to speak. 

You don't have to have all the answers at once. 

香蕉视频app网 Go easy on yourself. Never pit someone against their family. As soon as you realize there's conflict like this re-evaluate. Take care of yourself most of all. 

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

香蕉视频app网 You're too pushy. That's why her family doesn't like you. Also she's sneaking around with you. Another reason this is going nowhere fast.

Quote

香蕉视频app网 Her parents aren't idiots. They know you threw that marriage line out there to get in her pants.

too pushy in what? only thing her parents know is we talked for about a week. we work with each other and we talked for a week and isnt that to be expected when you work someone? shes at a certain age where obvisouly she'll be talking to other men. and there was no mention of marriage, dating, nothing. her mum jumped straight to conclusions. i didnt mention marriage and she didnt mention marriage. 

Quote

You want things your way. Only your way. And you want your way now.

香蕉视频app网 i dont want anything now. like i said,  im not even ready for marriage now. not for a few years but if there was someone id like to marry in the future, its her. and we both knew that and we agreed to it. only reason why we didnt tell our parents is cause we knew they would push for marriage which we both aint ready for

 

Edited by Jimmy111
Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, gamon said:

香蕉视频app网 Her parents were ok with a random person proposing to their daughter but forbid her from marrying you.

1. i think they were okay with that random person cause he was already settled down. hes 29 while shes 21 and im 24

香蕉视频app网 2. its her mum thats the issues. her mum would be more than happy if she never found someone

3. her mum doesnt like me cause she thinks her daughter just settles for anyone, even though she knows nothing about me. literally nothing and i cant stress that enough. only thing she knows is that we work with each other

4. isnt it better to marry someone you know and love rather than a random person who later on you find youre not compatible with?

 

香蕉视频app网 and youre right, it aint looking good for the time being which is why ive stopped talking to her and let things cool down. but the thing is, our dads know each other i know for a fact, if they started talking, he can show him that im not this "demon" that her mum has created in her mind

Link to post
Share on other sites

香蕉视频app网 You were in a relationship for a year or you were talking for a week? I'm confused. 

香蕉视频app网 And it does seem like her parents expect to arrange her marriage. They won't allow her to date because they want to choose her husband.

Link to post
Share on other sites

so we were in a relationship for a year but when her mum found out, she said we were only talking for a week. she didnt have a choice. she had to say we were only talking for a week. it wouldve been even messier if she said we were together for a year

also, we did talk about marriage at the start of our relationship, like 6 months in. in her mind, she thought she would never be with a guy and would get married late 20s but after we started talking and getting to know each other, she changed her mind cause she never thought she would be comfortable with another guy so i asked her would you like to marry me and she said yes. we both knew we were not ready but we said in 3/4 years time, if we dont break up from arguing and other stuff, we would talk to our parents and get married. also our dads know each other and her dad wouldve been totally fine with me cause we share the same background and our dads have a good relationship.

香蕉视频app网 her mum was under the impression that she wouldnt get married anytime soon as well cause thats what her daughter always said growing up up until she met me. so when her mum found out, she never said i want to get married, nor did i tell her to tell her parents lets get married.

Link to post
Share on other sites

So are you looking for a wife or someone to marry because everyone has been asking you about it? I must of over looked the parts that said this is a great relationship, she is amazing, I cant stop thinking about her. But I did see that you two agreed to get married in 2-3 years and your circle is constantly asking you about it. 

let me see if I can play a little bit of devils advocate. Do you know anything about her family? Were there struggles for her mom? Did they have financial difficulties growing up or as a newlywed couple? Parents want better for their kids and I dont know where you work but if you two work in the same place then is your work able to sustain a family right now?

香蕉视频app网 Lets say you two have sex, she gets pregnant. Can you provide her with security? Can you provide for her and the child or children (if its twins) without worrying about money? Do you have your own place? Are you established in your own career? Do you have a plan for retirement, stability, financial freedom, and not worry about where you will live or eat, or pay rent or pay bills? Are you at that place right now? Are you there today?

If the answer is no, then thats where the mom is coming from. If you say its not where I am yet, then its not good enough. If you are working at a Tesco living at home with a car that is 8 years old, then thats a problem. Its not YOU she hates, its your situation. Doesnt matter if your name is Sanjay, or Bob, or Jose. If you are not financially stable and established, mom will not like you. That is where I think she is coming from.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, No1 said:

So are you looking for a wife or someone to marry because everyone has been asking you about it? I must of over looked the parts that said this is a great relationship, she is amazing, I cant stop thinking about her. But I did see that you two agreed to get married in 2-3 years and your circle is constantly asking you about it. 

香蕉视频app网 the relationship we had was perfect and thats why i want to make her my wife. we had little disagreements here and there but there was nothing wrong. we had the same mindset, were both introverts and we both werent seeking a relationship when we got into it. we just started talking and she liked me, got my insta, asked for me number, asked me out and we got into a relationship but i wasnt looking for one and she wasnt looking for one. it just kind of happened overtime. she was excited and told her sisters about it ages ago and one of her sisters snitched and told her mum and thats how she found out about it.

6 minutes ago, No1 said:

let me see if I can play a little bit of devils advocate. Do you know anything about her family? Were there struggles for her mom? Did they have financial difficulties growing up or as a newlywed couple? Parents want better for their kids and I dont know where you work but if you two work in the same place then is your work able to sustain a family right now?

Lets say you two have sex, she gets pregnant. Can you provide her with security? Can you provide for her and the child or children (if its twins) without worrying about money? Do you have your own place? Are you established in your own career? Do you have a plan for retirement, stability, financial freedom, and not worry about where you will live or eat, or pay rent or pay bills? Are you at that place right now? Are you there today?

香蕉视频app网 If the answer is no, then thats where the mom is coming from. If you say its not where I am yet, then its not good enough. If you are working at a Tesco living at home with a car that is 8 years old, then thats a problem. Its not YOU she hates, its your situation. Doesnt matter if your name is Sanjay, or Bob, or Jose. If you are not financially stable and established, mom will not like you. That is where I think she is coming from.  

youre right in this cause we did talk about it and im pretty sure her mum did talk about this and i get where shes coming from. nonetheless, the position im in does pay good money (evening store manager) but its not the career i want and the career i want which im trying to get into as i just graduated pays even more and thats why ive been saying im not ready to get married as well cause i first want to get into that career and then look into marriage. even my parents know that until i get into my career, i wont get married even though they bring it up every now and then

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thats the issue, you are not there now. Are you getting there? Yes or perhaps or maybe, but you are not there yet. They dont give out medals, prizes and trophies for almost making it or being half way there. This is why her mom does not like you. Does your pay right now make good enough money to live on your own, support children, give her stability, security, and a life where you can buy her what she wants?

香蕉视频app网 Im going to guess no. 

If she is available when you get there, then go to her mom and say my life is ready. Until then, she will probably not like you. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, No1 said:

Thats the issue, you are not there now. Are you getting there? Yes or perhaps or maybe, but you are not there yet. They dont give out medals, prizes and trophies for almost making it or being half way there. This is why her mom does not like you. Does your pay right now make good enough money to live on your own, support children, give her stability, security, and a life where you can buy her what she wants?

Im going to guess no. 

香蕉视频app网 If she is available when you get there, then go to her mom and say my life is ready. Until then, she will probably not like you. 

Youre right. youre the only person whos used logic to come to this conclusion. we did talk about it and she did say that her mum came up through struggle and didnt want her daughter to go through the same thing so i get it. its just really hard going forward when you think about all the plans, memories and things you had and letting it go. havent talked to her in a week and been working on myself but todays probably been the hardest and my mum asking me have you found anyone made it even worse. also just kind of disappointed that she hasnt reached out after she said she still wanted to be friends but ill just leave her alone

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...