Advice needed (Military Long Distance Relationship)

[midnightSun 0]

So, I (20 F) have been in a relationship for 4 years now and from the last 2 years its been a long distance relationship. My partner(20 M) is in the military and is undergoing training from the last 2 years and he has more 2 years of training left. So, as he is in his training period he is not allowed electronics which means he can't text or call or video call and he is also not allowed to come out of his training camp before the training camp is over. So, we just talk once a week for 10 mins as he gets to use the local phone for 10 mins once a week (but sometimes he calls once in two weeks and sometimes once in a month). And in the 2 years of LDR we met only twice.

香蕉视频app网 But , last year I met another guy and i felt attracted to him and wanted to date the other guy. But, it did not work out with the other guy so i cut full contact with him. I was really guilty so I confessed this to my military guy and he forgave me and said lets move on. But, currently I feel attracted to another guy but I do not want to do the same mistake again so I avoid talking to him.

But now I feel like I want to breakup. I feel i just can't handle this anymore. Everything has changed from before. I was more happier before and now I just cry most of the times. Even after his training is over there is only a 10% chance we would be in the same city. (because our careers are different). So, it may be a long distance for many more years.

I have seen that in military life girls have to be housewives most of the times and give up their careers or they have to be a single mother because the husband is far from home. And I don't want such a life. So, I am really confused I don't understand should I break up or not. I talked about all this to him he says that he doesn't want to break up, he says that I don't have to give up my career and dreams. He says it is his gut feeling everything will work out. (I feel he says all this so that I don't leave him).

So, i am really confused if i should breakup because i feel i may regret it as he is a really great guy and he is like my best friend he cares a lot for me and really respects me, I sometimes feel I may not find someone like him. 

Any advice or experience you can share would be helpful 🙂

 

[Wiseman2 2,568]

1 hour ago, midnightSun said:

香蕉视频app网 2 years of LDR we met only twice.

last year I met another guy and i felt attracted to him

It would be better to end the LDR since it's not working out. Date local available men.

[Seraphim 1,875]

Military spouse of 32 years here. Please break up if you can’t handle the lifestyle. You are doing yourself and him a disservice. 

[boltnrun 1,361]

香蕉视频app网 You've been in this relationship since you were both 16.  Even without the military factor it's highly unlikely you'd marry him anyway given you both haven't had any real experience with anyone other than each other (not counting your fling).

Being attracted to other men is your instincts trying to tell you something.  Listen to them.

[Jennifer 1]

Hello,

This is really great that he is in military, because I have some friends from military and these boys are really amazing. You have to wait and once he is out of training you both can discuss about your future. Don't decide or assume yourself. Ask yourself what you really wants and then move.

[Capricorn3 997]

9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You've been in this relationship since you were both 16.  Even without the military factor it's highly unlikely you'd marry him anyway given you both haven't had any real experience with anyone other than each other (not counting your fling).

Being attracted to other men is your instincts trying to tell you something.  Listen to them.

I second the above.  Great post. 👍

[midnightSun 0]

12 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Military spouse of 32 years here. Please break up if you can’t handle the lifestyle. You are doing yourself and him a disservice. 

Hey, Thanks for your suggestion.

If possible, could you tell me how is the life of a Military spouse (like what are the challenges)? And did you ever feel like giving up? or did you ever feel attracted to someone else in his absence? did you have to sacrifice your dreams? If, so how did you overcome these problems?

香蕉视频app网 Your experience would be helpful for me in taking my decision.

[Seraphim 1,875]

4 hours ago, midnightSun said:

香蕉视频app网 Hey, Thanks for your suggestion.

If possible, could you tell me how is the life of a Military spouse (like what are the challenges)? And did you ever feel like giving up? or did you ever feel attracted to someone else in his absence? did you have to sacrifice your dreams? If, so how did you overcome these problems?

Your experience would be helpful for me in taking my decision.

I had dreams of what I wanted to do and be, but after I met my husband I didn’t care. I realized that family was a permanent thing and careers and dreams are more fleeting. I also wanted to be a mom. Some thing I have learned is that jobs won’t be there for you during a hard time and jobs will forget you 30 seconds after you leave. Family not necessarily. Especially todays  companies are only concerned with the bottom dollar. They are not overly concerned with employees. 
 

Was I ever attracted it to anybody else and wanted to leave? Nope. 
 

Finding employment can sometimes be difficult but I just created my own at times. The key is to network and integrate yourself into the fabric of your new society. 
 

Was it hard to parent alone sometimes for years at a time? Yes, but you’re not truly alone because you have that person‘s income and that person‘s input. 
 

Did I ever want to give up ? Eh,maybe fleetingly, but never in my heart . We adore each other . Another 8 more years and he will be 60 and we will be done our military journey. 

Edited Thursday at 11:40 AM by Seraphim

[catfeeder 1,947]

You will never get any wasted time back to live over again.

香蕉视频app网 Be honest with yourself and your BF about how you want your life to be.

Then live it.

[Andrina 715]

If you're not 100 percent confident in marrying him, don't do it. I was a Navy wife. I've never heard of such a lengthy training period, along with only being allowed 10 minutes a week to use the phone, and only be released a brief time once a year for leave. That's an extreme lifestyle, if that's a true situation. Are you sure that it's accurate? What country is this?

香蕉视频app网 If a guy chose to be apart from me for that amount of time and I was only going to see him one week per year for four years, I don't care if he was the kindest and most attractive man on the planet. I wouldn't do it.

Plenty of psychological stress happens when your partner is away, like mine was for 2 to 6 months periods out to sea. There was always happiness with reuniting, but after that, there were arguments because you've been in charge at home and now it seems like an intruder is trying to take over and do things his way. And he/she feels like you and your children have changed/evolved/ or whatever and that he/she is overwhelmed getting to know you all again, and upset over everything he/she missed while away.

I've lived in places where the jobs I could get were limited. And it's hard to make friends and then after a few years, you move and have to start all over. And the military can work their people 12 hours a day if they want to. It's not the same rules as non-military working life. He might not even be released from his duties to attend the birth of your child. My husband wouldn't have been able to attend our 2nd daughter's birth because he was due to be in training, but she was born 2 weeks early so he was able to join us in the hospital.

香蕉视频app网 We lived on the poverty line when he first joined. Yes, we had free shelter and electricity and free medical, so that was beneficial. Really though, when he was about to leave the Navy, I applied for a job I got because of my college degree, going back to Florida and that's when my income gradually progressed. I eventually divorced him, but my income is far greater than we ever made in the military.

香蕉视频app网 At age 20, this is the time of life you will be meeting a large group of single men in your age group, especially if you plan to go to college. Your bf isn't the only nice man alive. Thinking you will spend the next 60 years without meeting another potentially excellent partner is unrealistic and pessimistic. Good luck and keep us updated.

[Seraphim 1,875]

I guess it would depend on country but my husband definitely doesn’t make poverty wage. They get paid more than their American counter parts but our lodging is not free and over all our military gets less benefits of being military so the extra pay comes in handy. 

[midnightSun 0]

6 hours ago, Andrina said:

If you're not 100 percent confident in marrying him, don't do it. I was a Navy wife. I've never heard of such a lengthy training period, along with only being allowed 10 minutes a week to use the phone, and only be released a brief time once a year for leave. That's an extreme lifestyle, if that's a true situation. Are you sure that it's accurate? What country is this?

香蕉视频app网 If a guy chose to be apart from me for that amount of time and I was only going to see him one week per year for four years, I don't care if he was the kindest and most attractive man on the planet. I wouldn't do it.

Plenty of psychological stress happens when your partner is away, like mine was for 2 to 6 months periods out to sea. There was always happiness with reuniting, but after that, there were arguments because you've been in charge at home and now it seems like an intruder is trying to take over and do things his way. And he/she feels like you and your children have changed/evolved/ or whatever and that he/she is overwhelmed getting to know you all again, and upset over everything he/she missed while away.

香蕉视频app网 I've lived in places where the jobs I could get were limited. And it's hard to make friends and then after a few years, you move and have to start all over. And the military can work their people 12 hours a day if they want to. It's not the same rules as non-military working life. He might not even be released from his duties to attend the birth of your child. My husband wouldn't have been able to attend our 2nd daughter's birth because he was due to be in training, but she was born 2 weeks early so he was able to join us in the hospital.

We lived on the poverty line when he first joined. Yes, we had free shelter and electricity and free medical, so that was beneficial. Really though, when he was about to leave the Navy, I applied for a job I got because of my college degree, going back to Florida and that's when my income gradually progressed. I eventually divorced him, but my income is far greater than we ever made in the military.

香蕉视频app网 At age 20, this is the time of life you will be meeting a large group of single men in your age group, especially if you plan to go to college. Your bf isn't the only nice man alive. Thinking you will spend the next 60 years without meeting another potentially excellent partner is unrealistic and pessimistic. Good luck and keep us updated.

Hey, thanks for sharing your experience

Actually we both live in India and yes I am in college studying Engineering. Actually my bf gets holidays every 6 months for 28 days. But we both live in different cities and as we are young we cant fly to each other's places as our parents don't know about us and we cant go somewhere without telling them. But, my college is in the same city as his training academy so thats why we could meet twice (we met when his 28 days holiday started before he left for going to his city) in 2019. But, we never met in 2020 due to covid as I was in my home city and college was closed due to lockdown and he was in his training. And in 2020 he got holidays only from Nov-Jan 1 2021 but he went to his hometown and I was in mine. But now he says once my college reopens and I come to my college we will be able to meet again (maybe once in six months or maybe more not sure). But, the two times that we met it felt like he was very tired and sleepy (due to his rigorous training) and was not living in the moment with me so, I felt bad as I was so excited to meet him finally after 6 months.

[Wiseman2 2,568]

5 hours ago, midnightSun said:

 our parents don't know about us 

香蕉视频app网 Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage? Why is he a secret? Are you from different cultures, religions, castes,etc.?

香蕉视频app网 It would be best to set each other free. It has nothing to do with military, but rather long distance being difficult and the secrecy.

Secret romances may seem more dreamy like movies, but you're actually not too happy with the distance, loneliness or secrecy.

 

Edited 2 hours ago by Wiseman2

[midnightSun 0]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage? Why is he a secret? Are you from different cultures, religions, castes,etc.?

香蕉视频app网 No we aren't scheduled for any kind of arranged marriage. In our country our parents are not so much open minded or modern like other western countries. They do not encourage dating so much that too at young ages like when you are in college. Like they believe this is the time to study and not date, they believe more in direct marriage. So it is not easy to tell them as they may not accept it easily as we are young. We were thinking of telling them after college.